Police Blotter of Keene, NH: September 1, 2014

"The city of Keene, New Hampshire bought a BearCat to combat terrorism. The city's application went on to cite Keene's pumpkin festival as a possible terrorist threat, the ACLU report notes." - BusinessInsider.com

POLICE BLOTTER of KEENE, NH: September 1, 2014

  • The Keene police are looking for a man suspected of breaking into the Lowes Cinema during afterhours. After a 24-hour manhunt, law enforcement secured the area. While Black Hawks circled overhead, bomb-sniffing dogs arrived at the scene and found no traces of WMD, only popcorn.
  • A sound was heard behind the Stop & Shop at 12:30 a.m. The store manager called 911 believing it was ISIS rebels. Police arrived at scene in a military Humvee. It was just a homeless man who had gotten into some garbage.
  • Ms. Janine Ferguson's cat Lilly was stuck in a tree on Pinewood Avenue around 7 pm. Volunteer firefighters alerted their superiors they needed backup and two Reaper drones provided air reconnaissance. Lilly was saved, unharmed.
  • A disturbance was heard at St Mary's elementary school in the cafeteria when two football players got into a scuffle. School officials alerted the superintendent, who alerted the Pentagon. No DELTA Forces were dispatched. A math teacher broke up the fight.
  • An elderly man with a suspiciously long beard was apprehended by police at 4:30 p.m. The police responded to complaints of a man engaging in "un-American activity" with possible "Taliban sympathies." The man did not resist arrest, but an M1 Abrams tank was dispatched to the scene for precautionary purposes.
  • A delivery truck was double-parked in front of the Fun Suds Laundromat. Police called the EOD bomb squad to cordon off the block in search of suspected Iranian-made IEDs, while an F-16 provided air support. NSA was notified to check its foreign transcripts for any explicit threats made against Keene or the state of New Hampshire. No threats were made and no IEDs were found. The truck was towed.
  • Librarians at Fieldwood Public Library reported a late fee unpaid by Dennis Tanner. Police put out a call to DHS to inquire if Mr. Tanner was on any terrorism watchdog lists. Police have him custody and in solitary confinement. The district attorney is calling him an "enemy noncombatant" and thus not eligible to his Miranda rights. His library card was confiscated.
  • A mural for the annual Pumpkin Festival was defaced by graffiti. Local officials are calling it an "act of terrorism" and a possible hate crime. Pulling up in an armed M-RAP, law enforcement in combat fatigues searched a number of suspects' houses. Five potential vandals were shot and wounded by a Howitzer for resisting arrest.
  • Gunfire was reportedly heard outside the Jiffy Lube on Maplewood Blvd at 3pm. Police arrived in their BearCat and interviewed witnesses. The witnesses were interrogated by DHS officials brought in to investigate the incident for possible terrorism. It turned out it was a VW diesel with a poor muffler. A demolition team was sent to remove all traces of the vehicle. The owner of the vehicle, when he saw his demolished car, expressed shock, but shrugged his shoulders, later telling reporters: "Better safe than sorry."
  • Three teenagers in dark hoodies were biking down the wrong way of a one-way street at 1 pm when neighbors complained of a possible terrorism threat. The mayor addressed reporters and disclosed the three cyclists were not "terrorists" and that no WMD were found on them. The mayor issued martial law anyway just to be on the safe side, and ordered a 24-hour curfew for all residents of Keene under the age of 90.
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