No matter how many children’s books we read or Kanye West songs about bowel movements we try to decipher, the subject of pooping remains taboo ― especially as it applies to a romantic relationship. Sure, that our bodies create waste and that waste has to be excreted isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac, but it’s a reality we all share.
But some elimination experiences are, er, crappier than others. And we wanted to hear about them. So we reached out to our community to share stories that are funny, outrageous and too real ― whether in a new, long-term, or on-the-verge-of-ending relationship.
Tacos, sex toys and credit cards take center stage in these pooping nightmares, but they all have one thing in common: They make us feel a little less alone in our bowel movements.
Behold, six true pooping horror stories, from the people who lived to tell them.
Mortifying poop stories have been edited for clarity.
Basement Blues (And Browns)
“I had to be up super early on a Saturday for work, something I don’t usually have to do. I slept at my boyfriend’s and he didn’t have to be up, so at 7 a.m. when my alarm goes off, he already wants to kill me. I go to the bathroom and it’s not flushing.
Fifteen minutes go by and I finally ask him for the plunger upstairs. His room and the bathroom are in the basement. I was like, ‘Don’t look in there, I got it.’
But I don’t got it. I get him to come in and he tries to plunge, but nothing is happening, and at this point, I really needed to leave. There is a back door in the apartment that goes out to a deck and there are drains on the ground. We start smelling something weird so we look out ― and there’s my poop coming up from the drains in the basement.
I’m frantically trying to clean my poop with towels, hoping his roommates don’t come downstairs, but I had to leave. So I leave him there in the poopy basement and he had to clean it. He couldn’t fix it, so he had to wait for a plumber and it cost him $500.
The kicker? It turned out it wasn’t my fault ― his credit card was stuck in the pipes blocking everything. But still mortifying. I loved every minute of it.”
― Anonymous, 28, New York City
Dumped ― Literally.
“I had been sleeping with a guy I liked, and he’d recently cut it off to start dating someone else. We were transitioning to being just friends. I went to his place to hang out with a bunch of our friends. At one point, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom, I pooped and removed a tampon. Everything was fine until ― of course ― the toilet didn’t flush.
Rather than talk to the guy who’d recently half-dumped me about the blood-poop combo floating in his bowl, I found two plastic bags in the trash and got to work. I used one as a glove to scoop out the evidence and plopped it into the other. I then demurely exited the bathroom with said bag, made up an excuse about having another event to attend, and left the apartment with dignity, poop bag in hand.”
― Anonymous, 29, New York City
Butt Play, Oy Vey
“My boyfriend and I were messing around with a new sex toy we had purchased that came with two vibrating bullets. He’d decided to spice things up with some butt play, and inserted one of the bullets back there. Admittedly, a few drinks too deep, we’d forgotten he’d done that ― until we couldn’t find the second vibrator.
Lo and behold, my boyfriend did some feeling around in the dark and insisted he could feel the vibrations deep in ... you know where. Concerned at the depth it managed to travel, he took me to the bathroom and forcefully pulled it out. Poop was everywhere. And from the forceful expulsion of the pesky bullet, I was in too much pain to clean it up myself. While it was extremely embarrassing and gag-worthy, I will say it somehow made us closer. I mean, can it get much worse than watching your girlfriend poop all over the bathroom floor?”
In Trouble With The In-Laws
“My husband and I were visiting his family overseas and we ordered in sandwiches for dinner. Everything was fine when we went to sleep, but I woke up in the middle of the night with a bad stomachache. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, my husband and I both smelled something horrible.
I pulled the sheets back and realized I had pooped in my sleep. In my mother-in-law’s bed.
We were running around the house at 2 a.m. frantically looking for new linens. It was mortifying.”
― Anonymous, 57, New York City
Not Feeling So OKCupid
“I met a guy on OKCupid and he was staying at my apartment for the first time. In the early morning, he gets up, and after 10 minutes, I walk out and see him sitting at the kitchen table. He was waiting for my roommate to come out [of the bathroom]. Five minutes pass, and he asks me if I could knock on the door and ask her to come out. She has IBS and it’s her apartment and bathroom, so I tell him she can take her sweet time. He proceeds to creepily stand outside the bathroom door waiting for her.
When she came out, he darted in and was in there for over 30 minutes. After a while, I hear the shower turn on and off, over and over. Eventually, he came out and I find out he was holding in a shit the whole time and had shit a little in his pants while waiting. When he went into the bathroom, there was no toilet paper left. Instead of calling out to ask if I had any more toilet paper (I did), he wiped with I don’t know what and spent the next 10 minutes trying to wash his ass in the shower. The shower didn’t seem right for weeks. I kept seeing him for three months.”
― D, 26, New York City
Let’s Not Taco ’Bout It
“I had only been with my now-husband for about six months, and he invited me to a friend’s house to watch the Super Bowl. All was going well when he urged me to try one of the tacos his friend made ( I had never had one before). They were very good, so I had a few. And then it hit me. I had sharp pains in my stomach and I knew what was about to happen.
The only bathroom was in the living room, the door just feet away from the television. With just a door separating me from my boyfriend and like nine other guys, I destroyed that toilet. It flushed partially and then wouldn’t flush properly again. I panicked, so I whispered to my boyfriend that it was late and I was going to head home ― only to bolt to McDonald’s down the block to destroy the toilet for the next hour and a half.
I guess no one ever realized it was me because I confessed this past Super Bowl, and he was shocked and couldn’t stop laughing.”
― Anonymous, 25, New Milford, Conn.