COMEDY

11 Prayers Pope Francis Is Not Forwarding To God For You, So Stop Asking

God's very busy, okay?

 

God is very busy, OK?

We all want things. And when we don't get those things (as is usually the case, because the world is a cold, unaccommodating place) the final go-to option -- the hail Mary play, if you will -- is God. And as pope, it's Pope Francis' top duty to be the mediator between we the people and God the ... God.

But these are prayers that Pope Francis will simply not be forwarding along to the big guy in the sky. So don't bother asking anymore.

 

"Please, God, make Taylor Swift retweet me!"

No, you'll just have to tag her in everything you tweet, just like the pope has to.

 

"Please, God, make Dad Bods go away!"

No, Pope Francis is excited that his physique is finally getting the accolades it deserves.

 

"Please, God, make the Cubs win the World Series!"

No, it's not that Pope Francis hates the Cubs, it's just he's a huge Padres fan, and he's got his hands full trying to get them to October.

 

"Please, God, make Kim and Kanye name their baby boy 'Adam'!"

No, he won't do that, but the pope will urge the baby to fight crime by staying off reality TV.

 

"Please, God, make this hangover go away and I'll never drink again!"

No, because when the pope's roommate Sean is hungover and sleeping in his room on the weekends, it's the only time the pope gets any pope time. 

 

"Please, God, make Zayn rejoin One Direction and then please, God, make them all fall in love with me!"

No, the pope thinks ... TWO DIRECTIONS is for the best. Pope Francis also enjoys a good pun.

 

"Please, God, make Donald Trump run for president forever!"

No, Pope Francis can't make him run forever, but believe the pope, he's not going anywhere for a while, unfortunately.

 

"Please, God, make pizza zero calories per serving!"

No, then it's not as sinfully delicious!

 

"Please, God, make Courtney from last season's "The Bachelor" fall into a pit full of bees!"

No, Pope Francis is a big believer in loving thy enemies. Even though he often wanted to smother her in one of his many giant pope hats.

 

"Please, God, make the new 'Star Wars' films really great!" 

Pope Francis is cautiously optimistic, but it's unclear. George Lucas did an awful lot of damage.

 

 "Please, God, make intelligent life on other planets and then send us there! I'm through with Earth!"

No. Furthermore, the pope has a sneaking suspicion that if you're asking this question you might be one of the problems with this planet. So ... Pope Francis will think about sending people to another planet. But probably just you. And it might actually be the sun.

 

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