BREAKING: We Found the Pope's Letter of Resignation

February 11, 2013

To Whom It May Concern,

This is my letter of resignation. To be honest, I really don't know about the whole protocol over retirement for a guy like me. It turns out I am the first quitter in about 700 years in this neck of the woods. Mamma mia!

For example, I still don't fully know where this letter should go, but I know it has something to do with cardinals. So I fired up Bing and searched that term. The first hit was a United States football team based in Arizona. Apparently they're not very good. And being that the cardinals in my life are all kinda being dicks right now, I figured I'd send this across the pond and let my intentions be known to the football Cardinals.

I mean, it turns both the cardinals and the Cardinals are huge groups of men who wear red and white and suck -- so what's the difference? Hey-oh!

And on that note, I also want you to know that this has nothing to do with gay stuff happening in the Vatican. Che pazzo! The rumors that you hear are totally unfounded and I have no idea where someone gets off -- that's what she said -- with spreading -- she said that again -- lies that there is homosexuality and promiscuity in the church. So I guess we can consider that case closed.

Anywho, as I said, this is my letter of resignation, so I should stay on topic. My last day will be Thursday, February 28th. I figure this two-and-half-week notice leaves me ample time to wrap up my papal duties. And from what I hear, two weeks is pretty much the standard for anyone leaving a job. Further, I think I'm doing a pretty damn good solid to Catholics everywhere by allowing some buffer time -- because if my memory serves me right, the last bunch of them have died on the job. And in my convos with the big man, that sort of thing doesn't make him too happy.

And because I am stand up guy, what kind of disservice would I be doing to the Church if I didn't leave some advice for my successor? So, here it goes. To the man or woman (LOL) who is the next Pope: don't. Just don't. Capisce?

Okay, that's it for me. Please let me know who I should talk to about filling out any paperwork and doing an exit interview. I have a lot of stuff I want to get off my chest.

Live long and prosper,

- Pope Benedict XVI aka Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger aka Joey Ratz

PS - Any chance I can keep my Mexican shoes?