Post Election Predictions, A Sorry Business

Close up of ball on roulette wheel.
Close up of ball on roulette wheel.

Anyone can make a prediction. Pollsters and pundits prognosticate and actually get paid for it. They don't even have to be correct. I think I may need to diversify my skill set in the off chance that I am laid off in my middle age and need to retrain for a new career. With this is mind, here are my predictions for our United States of America when our new president takes office.

1.In the eventual upheaval that comes with trade wars and the declining value of a currency, cotton underwear will be a luxury. I suggest that you start looking at the labels of important items to see where they are manufactured and adjust accordingly. Which reminds me, where is my toothbrush is made?

2.Given President-Elect Trump's (pardon me choked on that) penchant for self aggrandizement (ooh, now there is a fancy word) I predict that we will be blessed with a regular TV show on Sunday afternoons, a la Hugo Chavez. This will rile the masses as it preempts their NFL fueled nacho and lite beer binge. There will riots in the streets as disenchanted voters chant, "No! No! Where's my remote?"

3.Old words will return to the lexicon as we return to a bygone era. Words such as oligarchy, internment, autocracy, and mendacity will experience a renaissance. Children will abandon their smart phones and return to onion skinned dictionaries to compete for high stake spelling bees where winners get to wrap their competitors knuckles with a ruler. There will be two unintended benefits. First, there will be a decrease of green house gases as devices are no longer plugged in. SAT scores will rise in the vocabulary portion of the test. Thus proving that there is a bright side to everything.

4.Relaxed gun laws will encourage gun control folks to arm themselves for their own protection. Every town for Gun Safety will have to reconsider its mission statement to include distribution of kevlar jackets to all 1st graders.

5.David Brooks will change political party.

6.Gardening and food preservation, already seeing a resurgence after the Great Recession, will make great leaps beyond the niche market of the hipster kale heads when all those undocumented migrant workers are deported back to Mexico. The price of cabbage, now at a cheap 99 cents a pound, will sell for 5.00 a pound. This will have a couple of consequences. One, if there is any stock worth owning it is Monsanto, or its unregulated future iteration, since it owns most of the seed. Second, I predict a plague of bunnies as they swarm farm fields to nibble the rotting unpicked veggies. Farmer Brown becomes an icon reminiscent of the Okies fleeing the dust bowl.

7.A new tech start-up will be established in Silicon Valley which will create an app to track your neighbor's every move, keystroke, and free thinking idea. You will be able to report this abhorrent behavior with a simple swipe on your smart phone. Swipe left, your neighbor is vacationing at a re-education spa. Swipe right, you and your neighbor are free to associate and you are given a gift card to Olive Garden. The venture capital for this will come from Russia.
8.Refugee camps will be found along the border in Maine, New York, Michigan, Montana and Idaho. Canada will institute extreme vetting to assure that any refugees entering will not smuggle Mrs. Butterworth over the border.

9.The Pantsuit will be the uniform of resistance.

10.Finally, remedial Sunday school will be instituted where quixotic pastors across the christian spectrum require adherents to learn the basic lesson of christianity again, "Love thy neighbor as Thy Self." Come to think of it, there are a few pastors that should attend this as well.

What are predictions really, they are informed guesses based on present criteria. History being one of those criteria. In any case, I hope I am wrong. God help us, I hope I am wrong.