Dear Mr. Rizal:
Congratulations on your recent successful attempt to quit smoking! As you well know, it's a very difficult habit to kick, especially for someone who can barely walk or talk. Kudos to your mother, who staged somewhat of an intervention with you, and helped make it possible for you to enter rehab in Jakarta. Crazy withdrawal symptoms, right? And we heard about your raging temper tantrums. Yikes. Guess this whole experience gives new meaning to the term: "the terrible twos." (But hell, one of these days, you may find LiLo sitting next to you in your support group!)
It's great that now you're getting to "play" and "run around" and "color" just like a "regular kid." But keep in mind that it's never too early to start thinking about and planning your future career aspirations.
Healthwise, we think you made the right decision. But still, we thought you looked pretty friggin' cool in those videos where you were smoking. To us, you were channeling Bogey in The Maltese Falcon. (Politically incorrect? Hell, yes. And true.) And that guitar? Forget it. Elvis wished he were half as cool as you. And we really want to commend you on your (former) smoke rings and baton-twirling-like finger manipulation of the cancer sticks. Nice work -- for a baby. You were quite the chain-smoking badass. No local villager in their right mind would ever mess with the likes of you! Except, now that you've successfully quit smoking, people might think you're a health-conscious pansy and start making fun of you and call you a quitter. That's okay. As soon as you're potty-trained, you'll relocate to L.A. and get your own reality TV show, and those stupid villagers won't matter one bit.
Not to bring up a sensitive subject, but we also heard that you've gained quite a bit of weight (13 pounds??!!) since you quit smoking. Not to worry. It happens. People tend to eat more when they're trying to quit the smokes in an effort to keep their hands and mouths busy. Totally normal. But just remember that the camera adds ten pounds, and being 13 pounds overweight in L.A.? That crap may fly in Bollywood, but in Hollywood? Not so much. (I know, I know, you live in Indonesia, not India, but whatever, you get my point.) But again, not to worry: your agent, manager, publicist, personal trainer, private chef, stylist, personal assistant, various studio executives (and, of course, we) will constantly remind you of the fact that you need to drop the poundage. (Do you get The Biggest Loser in Indonesia?) Don't misunderstand. We think you're adorable exactly the way you are. You just need a little media training, that's all. Oprah's going to be all over this thing, and that's just the beginning.
Which is where we come in. Individual Image Imitators, Inc. is a family-owned and run business dedicated to finding ordinary people around the world who make headlines for doing really dumb and/or dangerous things. Once we do, we essentially kidnap those people (our clients) from their regular lives and turn them into the kind of sad, short-lived media celebrities that make us as much money as possible, as fast as possible, while stripping the client of as much dignity as possible. Afterward, these people return to their boring lives (emotionally spent and likely bankrupt), and III, Inc. sets off to find the next gullible sucker we can con into thinking we're going to make them a rich and famous movie star.
If this sounds like something you might be interested in (and, based on all the sound decisions you've made throughout your two-and-a-half years as a man-baby, we can only hope it is), please contact us at your earliest convenience. You can call us toll-free from a phone booth and have someone lift you up to the telephone receiver. Or, if you prefer, because the only words you really know how to say are: "Who the f**k touched my cigs?," feel free to have a family member or fellow villager speak to us on your behalf. Surely they won't steer you wrong. After all, they're the ones who got you hooked on the cancer sticks in the first place. And just think: If you'd never become addicted to the smokes, we'd never be having this potentially profitable exchange right now.
We look forward to hearing from you. (Just please keep the time change in mind. Beauty sleep and all.)
And please, for the love of Allah, put some pants on.
Signed,
Your friends at Individual Image Imitators, Inc.
Hollywood, California, USA
This post originally appeared on Blisstree.com.