So this is what happened. When I vented my frustrations to my good friend Tim Theiler about the travesty that is Trump-- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rumni-saha/fucktrump_b_12896068.html, this is what he had to say: "The following is for you and all the crest-fallen fellow patriots. I want you to know that there is plenty of hope and a great deal to look forward to over the next four years. Best of all you won't even have to wait up for late night T.V. to see some of the funniest shit you've ever witnessed.
According to my predictions, Trump's first 100 day initiatives will include:
Boob job for the Statue of Liberty.
Repairing the crack in the Liberty Bell.
Moving the nation's capital to Las Vegas.
Reopening Guantanamo as the ultimate resort destination.
Adding more color to Arlington National Cemetery (because it is so drab and has low energy).
An All You Can Eat Buffet at the White House in place of State Dinners featuring endangered species (the seal club, the spotted owl on a stick and tuna-free dolphins. By the way, the owl also known as the "sirloin of the skies" will be served medium rare and increasingly rare).
Trump's Wild Life initiatives will include:
Swimming lessons for polar bears.
Comb overs/toupees for bald eagles.
Trump will focus on the following issues:
Reduction of obesity via shaming and Bulimia.
When asked about his next diatribe he will say "Diatribes belong on reservations".
As a good will gesture he will be providing visas to Catholic Muslims.
He will change the Defense Department to the Offense Department.
He will elect Chuck Norris as the Secretary of Defense.
Mel Gibson will be appointed the new Ambassador to Israel.
Captain Kangaroo will be the Secretary of Navy.
He will be appointing Judge Dredd to the Supreme Court.
Dr. Dolittle will be the new Surgeon General.
In a move to appease minorities he will be naming the CEO of Taco Bell the Director of FDA (Food & Drug Administration with emphasis on Drug).
Finally, the Secretary of Interior will be Martha Stewart.
Trump will support Euthanasia because he thinks it will promote sexual tourism.
Also because he cherishes women, he will roll out The Home Employment for Latinas Project a.k.a. The HELP.
He will refer to The Criminal Rapist Alien Project as CRAP.
And when he will call women PIGS he will actually mean Poor Ignorant Girls.
NAACP (National Association for Advancement of Colored People) will now stand for National Association for the Arrest of Crooked People.
ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) will now be called LIMP (Let Invalids Mash Potatoes/Let Invalids Meet Puppies/Let Invalids Make Projects/Let Invalids Make Pottery). As you can see this prediction has not been fully vetted.
Trump will finally recognize Global Warming and will call it The Fresh Water Initiative.
Sexual harassment will henceforth be referred to as "lending a little hand".
Trump will be serious about:
Free College Tuition for Hot Babes.
The Grand Canyon will now be called the HUGE ditch.
The New Trump University will soon offer Freelance Gynecology. Trump's response to Zika will be: "Who doesn't like a little head?"
And of course, he will be concerned about cheap babies coming out of GINA.
Trump will reiterate that he loves the blacks after meeting two at the White House.
.
He will also show genuine appreciation for
Michelle Obama's concern for the fatties.
He will pledge to be more relatable to ethnic minorities by changing his daughter Ivanka's name to Bodonca. He will be replacing Obama Care with Idonocare. It will cover plastic surgery and removal of anything foreign (like if you have a Mexican growing out of your womb). His Bullying Initiative will support the bullies because "Everyone is picking on bullies".
He will finally decide not to put up the wall because "the Latins" from Mexico will spray paint and vandalize.
He will be lowering the glass ceiling for women who are midgets.
Finally, his plan for the working poor will be "One PENCE None the Richer".
Thanks Tim! I seriously needed that. We seriously needed that. I say- bring it on. Indeed -- let the shit show begin!
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