If you have kids, you know the car is where all great conversations happen. Once upon a time, my husband's mistress unexpectedly showed up at our doorstep with a toddler in the car. As you might guess, a slightly emotional scene occurred.
The next day, as my daughters and I were heading out for ice cream, my 6 year-old asked:
Mommy, is Connie's son Daddy's too?
My heart stopped. I'd been dreading the day that question was asked. Inwardly I was still raw from the news myself and furious that I, not my husband, had to deal with the big question. I'd been scouring books, unsuccessfully, to learn the best way to handle the inevitable. The closest I came to an answer was that mental health experts deemed family secrets a huge, unhealthy burden for families, and that kids instinctively know the truth.
So, with all the non-judgmental feelings I could muster, I answered "Yes." My heart was pounding, dreading the questions to follow and wondering if I'd just ruined her life.
After a moment my daughter simply grumbled, "That's not fair, I don't want to share any of my things with him." My 3 year-old, excitedly kicking her car seat, chimed in "Me too!"
I couldn't have agreed more.
Sometimes, life throws us curves bigger than we could ever dream up on our own. I remember when I first tearfully told my hairstylist the "baby news" she gasped, "Oh, my God, that's a woman's worst nightmare." It was mine, second only to my marathon journey through the family law system.
Affairs happen. I knew that. But, how do you move on when your husband and his mistress (a woman who's been to your kid's soccer games and a guest in your home) present you with the reality of a love child?
There's a whole new world to consider. The mistress told me she couldn't wait to see my daughters excitement when they met their new baby brother. When I pointed out my little ones still thought babies came by stork and only to mommy and daddy she went silent.
I was shocked by how painful it was to be cheated on. I cried for a year straight about how the baby had destroyed the idyllic family I'd worked so hard to create. Movies glamorize affairs and leave us sobbing for the poor married one who must abandon his/her lover to return to the drudgery of married life. Movies don't show the effect on the spouse and kids. It's ugly.
As often happens, the mistress went to great lengths to make it clear to me that she was my husband's true love. She sent me pictures, via certified mail, of the two of them and yes, the three of them. She called me frequently acting as my "best friend" kindly explaining that I was the reason my husband was so unhappy. When I'd disagree, she'd scowl, "How can you keep being such bad role model for your daughters by staying with a man who doesn't love you?"
Of course afterwords, I'd run all of her words by my husband. He'd shake his head and say, "She's crazy, she just wants my money." He'd go on to say he had absolutely nothing to do with her, it was a one-time mistake, and he loved only me.
I offered to raise the child as our own, because it wasn't the baby's fault and, according to my husband, the mistress didn't care about the baby. Neither of them took me up on it. In the end the mistress got my husband, his money and legitimacy, while I got a divorce decree that my surgeon ex didn't uphold.
As my daughters grew older I cringed whenever they needed to do a family tree or timeline. The day a little friend asked my daughter "How come your dad's never home?" and she responded, "Well, my dad had a baby with Connie and that's where he lives now because it made my mom cry" I sat my girls down for another difficult conversation. I explained that some things were only to be shared with family and very, very close friends. I didn't tell them I was worried once word got out my daughters might suffer because some parents might think "we came from the wrong side of the track."
Why am I sharing my story? First off, my daughters are now grown. Second, if you are thinking of having an affair remember you too could end up with a bundle of joy that ruins your family. But most importantly, if you have experienced a "surprise" such as mine, I hope you now feel less alone.
If you'd like to share your story with me and how you dealt with it, I'd be honored. You can email me (it's confidential) or leave a comment below. I'm collecting our wisdom to help others...