Time to level with you.
Had a bunch of stuff happen and I guess I just needed to digest it all and find places to put it all.
Got "rejected" in my effort to change my major to Computer Science again. It made me spiral down with doubt and I had to crawl back, again. But, look, the first time I applied for the change, I didn't have all the classes I needed, nor the 3.5 GPA they were looking for. This time, though I had the classes, I still didn't have the GPA, so I've got to stop being dramatic with the "rejected" bit. I'm close to that GPA, but as they're only looking at the math/science/CS grades, and not any others, I just have to do better.
Or maybe not. I've even begun looking seriously at my options for other majors, if it comes to that. It's not what I had in mind, but shit, I hate chasing the grades for this CS major change, and really, maybe I'm meant to have a degree in Mathematics of Computing or Bioinformatics or something that involves coding, but is outside of the Engineering School, instead. And will it really matter later?
Bottomline is that I want to take the classes I'm most interested in (anything tech-related) and see where it all falls out later. I guess I can do that, right?
Anyway, the thing to level with you about it that I've been really hell-bent about having the CS degree because of this picture I've had about what I'll do when I get out and I was convinced that only with that CS degree would it all be realized.
Fuck.
In reality, I don't know shit. I have a general idea of where I'm going, but I have no idea what that all looks like. And I'd be an idiot to continue to hold onto MY picture of what it's all supposed to look like. I have a limited understanding of what's to come; any human does. For all my "Jesus, you're 4 years ahead" thinking, I don't really know how things will come together.
And one thing that's been fucking me up is the idea that unless that "thing" happened, until I got "there", I couldn't relax. That's a pretty impossible position to hold considering it meant that MY ideas had to materialize before I could feel "settled". And it's pretty clear how much "magic" power I, or anyone else, has to make incredible situations materialize. But more importantly, I have been cutting myself off from a situation, finally, that quite possibly exceeds what I could imagine myself. Something that involves roads that haven't been build yet, methods I don't even know about yet, opportunities that haven't been assembled.
So, I'm saying I'm in college, yes. I'm consumed with Tech-- medical, computational, impossible Tech. So, I don't know exactly what I'll wind up doing, where I'll go with all this schooling, but I'm willing that it be better than my dogmatic vision of it all.
As far as the summer goes, I've been at my internship at Symantec for three weeks now and, Christ, I had no idea of the complex manner in which massive data is stored and accessed. There are few places where I could get a better education about it all, though. While I've been there, I've watched tutorials about all aspects of Symantec's data system and practiced what I've learned. I have a great mentor/manager named Autumn Kennedy who has been really patient with me and thorough with sending me tutorial links for everything I need to know. My fellow interns, Paige, George, Rachel, Fred, Sony, Steve (who's right over the cubicle wall from me and get's all my pop-up-and-need-an-answer questions), etc, are always willing to help, as are all the Symantec staff, so I have a pretty great, enviable situation with this internship. The more I comprehend what I'll be creating there, though, the more honored I am that they asked me to do it. It's pretty broad and necessitates me understanding most of the data system and the core platform vs. just a portion of it. Very grateful to Carey Nachenberg for putting me in this position. I just hope I bring enough to the party to help Symantec get what they need from my efforts.
Just wanted to say that I have a great life, family, school, internship, etc. and fuck my ideas about where I thought I was going, Thank God that my future is bigger than my imagination.
(If you want to read about my entire college odyssey from the beginning, click here.)