President Trump, surrounded by his entire cabinet, held his 750th daily press conference today. The following is a rough, annotated, somewhat edited, extremely cleaned-up transcript.
FOX NEWS WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT #1: Mr. President, do you have any regrets about the drone strike that wiped out the vacation cabin of the Mexican Secretary of the Interior and Transportation because he called your press secretary a "Big Fat Idiot"?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: [With Vice President Ted Cruz -- smiling and rubbing his hands -- by his side] Absolutely not. In fact, I did it for fun and my entire cabinet had a good time. Besides, I paid for the drone myself. I am very rich, you know. [Turning to his secretary of defense, John Bolton, Trump winks] Good job, John.
U.S. AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED NATIONS SARAH PALIN [quickly jumps in and with a double-wink to Bolton]: Way to go, John. America is great again!
[Note: President Trump appointed Ms. Palin to that position mainly because "she really is somebody who knows what's happening" but especially because she can keep an eye on Russia from her home]
PRESIDENT TRUMP: By the way, talking about those [expletive deleted] Mexicans -- yes there are some decent ones -- remember how the left wing media attacked me when I told the truth about hose [expletive deleted] Mexicans their government was sending across our borders, people who were bringing drugs, crime and were raping our women? Now, three years into my presidency, just look at the America I have made great, as I promised: Not a single murder, rape or drug arrest since I became your President.
PRESIDENT TRUMP [continuing]: All because with my second executive order, I built that great wall, as promised, complete with a mile-wide no man's zone full of TEDs [Trump's Explosive Devices], the latter paid with my own money, not a penny of your tax dollars was spent. Did I tell you I am very rich? That is the bonus you get when you elect as your president a person worth nine billion dollars.
[Note: President Trump's first executive order rescinded all awards and decorations to military who had been "stupid enough" to be captured by the enemy.]
VICE PRESIDENT CRUZ [not able to control himself any longer]: Y'all can finally see the results of our joint efforts, we have finally taken our country back for real Americans who are now brighter, whiter and better informed...
PRESIDENT TRUMP [reclaiming the microphones]: Talking about being better informed, just look around you: No NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN or any of those Al-Jazeera-like reporters to twist my words and to take them out of context.
BBC WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT [the only non-Fox correspondent left in the press corps]: Mr. President, the BBC is poised to publish a story documenting how during the final days of the presidential campaign, in what many call a new low, you called your opponent, Democratic Party nominee Hillary Clinton a [expletive deleted-expletive deleted]. Will you issue an apology?
ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL COHEN [jumping in]: "Objection! You write that story and I will make sure that you and I meet at a federal courthouse and I will take you and your BBC for every worthless British pound you have and will mess up your life. So I'm warning you, tread very [expletive deleted] lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be [expletive deleted] disgusting. Just ask that Huffington [expletive deleted] what happened to her rag when she decided to relegate my boss to the funny pages.
[Note: Just before his inauguration, Mr. Trump sued the Huffington Post, bought it out for an undisclosed amount and renamed it "Trump's Trumpet."]
PRESIDENT TRUMP [pointing at the BBC correspondent]: You are fired!
[As the BBC correspondent is escorted out by the Secret Service, applause erupts and the press corps chants "USA, USA."]
FOX CORRESPONDENT #2: Mr. President, how is the investigation into the fake birth certificate of the former president going?
PRESIDENT TRUMP: I will let the FBI Director answer that.
FBI DIRECTOR "SHERIFF" JOE ARPAIO: [Still sporting his guns]: Rest assured that the investigation into that fraud of a president is still active. However, all our law enforcement agencies are so busy investigating so many crimes of the former administration -- Benghazi, Clinton's e-mails, the IRS scandals, Obamacare, etc., etc. -- that we have had to put that one on the backburner for the time being. By the way, don't forget our number one priority case: the discovery that several White House towels went missing when the previous first family left the people's home.
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY RUSH LIMBAUGH: Well, that's all you people. See you again tomorrow for another fun-filled comedy hour...err, press conference.