I always dreamed of being a full-time novelist -- hell, who didn't? I mean, heck, you get to work from home, wear sweat pants, not have to blow out your frizzy hair or shave your legs (more on that in a moment). All that AND make money? It's almost like being a phone-sex operator except you get the added patina of being considered literary. Heh. Sign me up.
And then, it happened. After toiling for 10 years at the lovely Page Six, I wrote Mercury In Retrograde, and it hit the New York Times Bestseller list. Realizing I didn't ever want my boss' job and that I was bored to the point of chewing on my socks, I knew it was the time to quit and join the legions of the fun-employed to be a (trumpet blare) FULL TIME NOVELIST.
I immediately started working on a scripted show for MTV and another novel, Female Kryptonite, which is about a guy, Jim, who turns 40 and realizes he's getting older, is lonely, and is kind of an ass. It delves into the phenomenon that women and men are almost the same - men just grow up six years after women. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is bullshit. Trust me.
I was psyched. I banged out the first two chapters pretty quickly and then...
Well, frankly, I've never been one for discipline.
- Laser Hair removal. My pal Alesia Sabeira rocks. 'Nuff said.
So yeah. It's going slowly. But gimme a break -- I haven't been unemployed, well, ever. Okay -- there was that one six-month trip to India, but that was 1997! And Greer: I SWEAR I will have everything to you by December. I swear. Just wait till I get back on Monday, I will be a typing fiend. I swear. Oh, wait, I think I see something sparkly in the corner...