On January 10th, 2007, at the Huffington Post, John Seery, an academic with credentials, just proposed a novel contest. He says it's "sort of like Monopoly," except it's far more clever: you get to guess how many US troops will die this year. "Submit your estimate," he goads, in a curiously hopeful manner. The more that die, he understands, the smarter he looks. As a college professor, he's hoping for an invite to a cocktail party where he doesn't have to serve the drinks.
It only leads me to ask: When, and how, will John Seery be killed?
I'm just curious, of course, in the same manner Mr. Seery is. He's asking you to submit a number - the larger the better - which is perfectly appropriate for the Huffington Post - where hoping for the worst is the only hope allowed.
So certainly, me asking the same question about John should be treated with the same respect - don't you think? I mean, of course - the Huffpo won't dare remove me, or hide my post, when I ask for such a somber prediction. After all, Seery is practically lubricating over expected casualties - his summer will be awash in misery if American blood doesn't flow. What if I feel the same way, about him?
It's okay Huffpo readers! You'll step into the breach and glorify in the misery of death - for it only makes your own wishful thinking come true!
So like Seery, I'm going to be "keep track," and when he dies, whether it be by blunt rape at the
hooves of a crazed yak, or cleanly eviscerated by a large armada of sensible wasps, i'll notify you
immediately...of the "winner!"
But is it a victory if Seery dies? I think so. I mean, it makes me feel better. And, you know, at least
I'm honest about it. See, assholes like Seery, and the people who agree with him - pretend to feel bad about the death of our troops. But they don't give a fuck. No. They need people to die to make their point. It makes them feel smart, and makes their political enemies feel bad. But by saying troop deaths bother them personally - well, that's just a lie. Seery wants as many troops to die as possible. Because without it, what does he have? Cleary, it's not grace.
But if Seery died tomorrow, I would only laugh. For me, it would be like the Daily Show, but you know, funny.
So, like Seery with the troops - Lets play Monopoly with his life. My prediction is that he will die
lonely and naked - any man who finds pleasure in winning a debate through an accumulation of brave American corpses will inevitably find himself with a belt around his neck connected to a door knob - jerking off to his own biography detailing his summa cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa.... his stained M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in political science from the University of California at Berkeley dancing at his rigid and faintly curled toes.