Sunnyvale, CA - A spokesperson for Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer announced today that Mayer is overwhelmed by the outpouring of heartfelt insults in response to her announcement that she is pregnant and plans to take a limited maternity leave. Said the spokesperson, "Marissa is truly touched by the shitstorm of presumptuous comments about both her parenting and leadership skills from people who haven't walked a yard in her shoes. It's nice to know folks feel comfortable judging the personal decisions of complete strangers."
Having been similarly attacked by well-wishers during her last pregnancy, Mayer is once again buoyed by this second round of criticism and contempt. According to her spokesperson, Mayer is "thrilled by the deluge of comments coming from men and women whom she's never met and will probably never meet, offering their most earnest 'Congratulations, you horrible mother, CEO, and role model!'"
Additionally, the spokesperson noted, "Marissa's heart is warmed by the public's speculation about her possible use of fertility treatments and murmurings over whether or not she will breastfeed," saying that the pregnant mother of twins would like "nothing more than to respond to those intrusive conjectures with an equally sincere, 'That's none of your goddamn business.'"
Elsewhere in Silicon Valley, a male CEO was reportedly comforted by the fact that no one gave a shit how much paternity leave he planned to take, stating that, "Men rarely face the same level of scrutiny as women about their family lives. And by 'rarely,' I mean 'never.'" When asked to comment further on this double standard, he cancelled an unconscious bias meeting and said, "What double standard?"
Note: The piece above is satire. Wishing Marissa a healthy and happy pregnancy and delivery. Please read more about the U.S.'s crummy paid leave policies here.