President Ahmadinejad: "7/11 Isn't Real"

In international news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has publicly denounced 7/11, claiming that the American mini-mart chain is merely a figment of people's imaginations, and if it did exist, it would most certainly serve mediocre coffee and stale donuts.

"7/11 is just a capitalist scheme to trick Americans into thinking that there is a place that sells oversized cups full of sugary, slushy drinks at 4 AM when they're too drunk to even know what they're doing," said President Ahmadinejad. "But don't be fooled, there is no such place. How could there possibly be a store that sells USA Today, hotdogs, and condoms? It's impossible -- but then again, the United States will use anything as a means spread their rhetoric throughout the Middle West."

According to sources, President Obama plans to create an international educational platform that will provide every woman, man, and child on the planet with their very own cherry Slurpee.

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