WASHINGTON: Goodyear Satire Company--
"Nobody took that Hawaiian birth certificate seriously, I hope," said President Obama. "That was as phony as Donald Trump's claim to be a billionaire. I've seen the tax returns."
As his term comes to an end, the president many consider the best in their lifetimes wants to set the record straight, and remove all doubts about his heritage. "I will release my real, genuine birth certificate if the Republican Party does just one thing I want before the November election."
Republicans are furious over the president's taunt. "This is a horrendous abuse of power," fumed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "Obama can't hold the truth hostage to his whims. We are absolutely not going to do what he wants."
"Oh, yes we are," countered Donald Trump, leader of the birther movement. "Its essential to know where Obama was really born. I built my political reputation on it."
This is the birth certificate from Hawaii the president released in 2008. The president now claims it's a forgery.
At an interview at Jake's barbershop in downtown Washington, Obama gloated about the controversy he created with his friends. "Ha ha. I owned Trump good with the Hawaiian one. It didn't even have my fingerprints on it!" And the entire barbershop crew had a good laugh at the GOP front-runner's expense.
The president let out a hearty "Woot Woot!" and he circled his massive presidential hands in the air. "Look at the size of my hands, Donald! What does that mean, Donald? You know the saying: Big Hands... Big Gloves." The barbershop erupted in laughter again.
"Even my daughters can plant fake stories in newspapers from 50 years ago," the president chuckled. "There's just one thing the Republicans have to do, and then they get the truth."
Obama continued, "Wait until the Republicans find out my true religion. They'll be disappointed I'm not a Muslim. Hey Mitch McConnell: does the term 'devil worshipper' ring a bell? Do what I want, and everyone will know where I'm from, what I am, and who is really pulling the strings."
What is the truth? Well the president isn't saying... yet. But the president only wants the Republicans to do one thing before the election, and then he promises to spill the beans on himself.
"Give my Supreme Court nominee a hearing and an up or down vote," demanded Obama. "Otherwise, you'll never know."