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WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In yet another twist to the saga of the 2016 presidential election, the nation's newly inaugurated president has just signed an executive order declaring himself the winner of the popular vote.
President Donald J. Trump, alleged-billionaire and former reality-TV star, signed an order today that stated "despite what so-called facts and easily observable reality dictates, President Trump was the clear winner of the popular vote in the 2016 election." The order stipulates that "even if the actual facts don't show this to be true, alternative facts most certainly will." The order also says "Trump deserves the popular vote win anyway, so no one should get all that mad, really."
"Look, many people have told me that they think I'm spending way too much time thinking about this whole popular vote thing," Trump said as he signed the order, "and so my thought process on this Executive Order -- and by the way I do the best Executive Orders don't I? Anyway, the thinking behind this one was that if I just end all the hubbub and debate over who won the popular vote, then we can get on with the business of rounding up Mexicans and banning Muslims, know what I mean?"
Mr. Trump expressed a desire to "bury the hatchet" with Democrats and that as long as they were "willing to accept" that he won the popular vote no matter what "math or evidence shows," they'd always have a place in his America.
"And it really is my America now," Trump said, "I won. I won the presidency. It's mine. All mine, folks. It says right there in the Constitution, I'm told anyway, I'm told this, okay? I'm told that when you win the election, you pretty much get to say and do whatever it is you want to say or do. It's like they give you the keys to every home in the country, and I could just go in and night and watch you sleep. Wouldn't you love that? Me, the president, just hovering over you, watching you? Maybe trying to sneak just a tiny peak down your wife's night gown. You know, it's good to be the king."
While signing the executive order, Trump intimated that many, many more orders were likely to follow.
"I got one that officially changes the name of Delaware to Trumpistan," Trump said, "and another that authorizes me to take a dump on any lawn I want, provided that lawn belongs to someone who didn't vote for me. Then I got this really kick-ass one saying we're going to work with this new sports drink company and just start putting in a few special drinking fountains with their product in it. You know, help people mutilate their thirst or whatever. Bigly stuff."
Using traditional methods of counting actual votes, Trump lost to all his competitors by roughly ten million votes, and to Hillary Rodham Clinton individually by about three million votes. President Trump's order states that he won by "approximately 16.5 kajillion votes."