President Trump's Cabinet


TO: Mr. Trump
FROM: Corey and Team
RE: Cabinet Appointments
DATE: April 22, 2016

After this week's big win in New York, we are one step closer to the White House. It's time to start thinking about the team we need to assemble to Make America Great Again! To reward our highest-visibility supporters and surrogates on the campaign trail, we have penciled them in for positions in the Administration. Below are our suggestions for Vice President, the Secretaries of the fifteen executive departments (in order of succession) and various other Cabinet-rank appointments. The lamestream media will hate these choices, but we know what the People want. Corey will handle any journalists that give us a hard time.

  • Vice President: Melania Trump. Yes, we got this from House of Cards, but so what. It works. The Veep just goes to funerals and smiles at the President, so MT is perfect. The "natural-born citizen" thing is a problem, but we'll just change that rule once we're in charge.

  • Department of State: Sarah Palin. Once we start another Cold War, we'll need someone to take on Putin and SP has been an expert on Russia for over a decade. Palin and Putin even sound alike, which is cool.
  • Department of the Treasury: Pete Rose. PR has a long history of looking for ways to make a buck. Plus, "Charlie Hustle" is a great name for the guy in charge of the money.
  • Department of Defense: Clint Eastwood. The Left won't like this, but what Senator is going to vote against Dirty Harry for Defense? Go ahead, terrorists, make our day.
  • Department of Justice: Sheriff Joe Arpaio. He's not a lawyer, but that's okay. Our D.O.J. isn't going to be focused on laws anyway. Or actually even justice.
  • Department of the Interior: Jan Brewer. No one really knows what Interior does, but we think it has something to do with the flyover states. Putting her out in a desert, or on a mountain, keeps her out of D.C., which is probably for the best.
  • Department of Agriculture: Kirstie Alley. We don't know if she's ever been on a farm, but she seems familiar with food.
  • Department of Commerce: Willie Robertson. He turned a show about guys with long beards making duck noises into a hit series. This is the kind of vision we need to get the economy moving again.
  • Department of Labor: Bob Knight. Great manager. This appointment will set just the right tone and send a clear message about working conditions and rights in the new America.
  • Department of Health and Human Services: Tila Tequila. We considered Ben Carson for this spot, but we'd rather put him up for Surgeon General. He has really good ideas about surgical procedures to cure gayness. Anyhow, TT has way more experience with human services.
  • Department of Housing and Urban Development: Teresa Giudice. Successful housewife and probably connected enough to work up some urban development. Or at least some suburban development.
  • Department of Transportation: Chris Christie. He'll be mad not to get the Attorney General position, but we need him in this role given his experience with traffic control.
  • Department of Energy: Hulk Hogan. Man does this guy have some energy! Who's seen the sex tape? Wow.
  • Department of Education: Phyllis Schlafly. Courtesy appointment. She's old and we just want to reward her with something to do during the first 100 days while we figure out how to kill this department altogether.
  • Department of Veterans Affairs: Ted Nugent. A great fit. TN has been crazy for the draft ever since the early 1970s.
  • Department of Homeland Security: Rudy Giuliani. Remember 9/11? He does. RG has effectively been in this position for 15 years, but we want to make it official.
  • White House Chief of Staff: Ann Coulter. AC will be our version of Rahmbo. She has the tact and temperament necessary to keep the trains running on time. And also to berate the passengers.
  • Environmental Protection Agency: Lou Ferrigno. The Hulk won't have to save any Spotted Owls, because within a few months we'll remove the word "Protection" from the name. That charge is too restrictive. We have other ideas for this office.
  • Office of Management & Budget: Mike Tyson. Careful with his money. Good with numbers. Never bites off more than he can chew.
  • United States Trade Representative: Dennis Rodman. DR is well-connected in Asia, especially in the northern part of the Korean peninsula.
  • United States Mission to the United Nations: Pat Buchanan. We know he wants the U.S. to pull out of the United Nations, but that's the point: Making AMERICA Great Again! Not the world.
  • Council of Economic Advisers: Carl Icahn and Steve Wynn. They will help us run America like a business, assuming they can set their egos aside and work as co-Chairs to advise the President (who clearly doesn't need any, by the way).
  • Small Business Administration: Rex Ryan. What is a football team if not a small business? Okay, maybe not, but if we don't go with RR here, then we have to give this job to Gary Busey. Or Scott Baio--which, of course, would put "Charles" in charge.
  • Lots to discuss, folks. Winning next week in Pennsylvania, Delaware, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Maryland will seal the deal. Let's go Team Trump!