President Trump began Inauguration Day with a visit to St. John's Church in our nation's capital and thanks to the marvels of modern technology we were able to record his prayers. This telepathic playback will offer you a deep, personal insight into the deeply held religious beliefs of our new Commander and Chief.
Hey God. It's me! Long time no see. Whoa, the last time I went to Church was...was...I don't know...maybe for my wedding? First of all look at this goddamn place. It's fantastic. So much nicer than all the other crooked religions. Am I right or am I right? Jesus. It looks like the guest bathroom at Mar-a-lago that have pictures of me everywhere instead of Jesus.
First of all let me thank you personally for your beautiful support of me and for obviously helping me win the election. You are a beautiful guy, God. Just terrific. Just terrific. I mean it.
Now that we have the same job, I feel closer to you than ever.
I would also like to thank you for all the attention that I'm getting from all the broads all over the country and even the world. I hear that millions of chicks are marching in support of me which is just fantastic. American women, by the way, from now on, should be made in America. I believe that, I really do. I don't care if they are born in London, Russia or Timbuktu---they have to be American and I am going to sign a bill right here, right now to make sure that that happens.
I was just thinking: one million women are two million breasts -- unless -- you know. If some of them are flat chested or you know, whatever. Two million breasts. And now I own them all. Nice. Am I right, big guy? Whoa: I think Mike Pence just passed out. He does that in churches all the time, I hear. Good, they're picking him up and splashing him with holy water, or as he calls it: cologne.
So in no particular order: thank you for room service. That was a terrific idea. It works. You call, you order, boom, food. Excellent.
Thank you for my children who have followed in my path. Don and Eric are just terrific people. They have a lot of fun every morning playing tag (Eric always loses no matter how many times I say to Don Jr. 'Let him win it hurts his feelings!") and then they get dressed with me in our Trump suits while I put on my makeup and the guy who makes Cinnabons comes in to swirl my hair. Melania, by the way, is a huge fan of the Cinnabons, which in her country was not only considered a luxury, but you had to perform sexual acts with members of local governments in order to to get a voucher for one.
And while I'm on the subject, thank you for Melania. Okay, sometimes she calls me and either I have no idea what the hell she is saying or I think it's Andy Kaufman calling. How great was he by the way on that Mork and Mindy show? A fabulous talent.
So much to be grateful for. So much. Barron. Is that his name? Barron? Somehow that doesn't sound right. A terrific kid. He loves to spin in dad's chair all day, just like I do which is why we got him the revolving gold toilet for his birthday. Again: just like dad. Melania tells me she can hear me going "Weeeeeee" in the middle of the night. That is not necessarily a bad thing, am I right?
Yeah. We have a lot of fun. A lot of fun. Hey: you think you could maybe change the language of the world to just be American? I mean I have a hard time alone trying to figure out what the hell Melania is yelling out during s-e-x. It sounds like she's screaming: "You're too heavy, get the hell off me!" But it's all so muffed, who the hell knows? Maybe that's why she passes out every time?
What else? Oh. Thank you for my balls. The Inaugural ones. We've arranged to do one for the military and first responders where there will be a live feed from Afghanistan where soldiers will ask me six tough "questions" when in fact all they will say is, "I just want to say congratulations for becoming our new president" to which I will respond, "those are terrific questions. You are all so nice. So nice. Not like some of others."
I will then turn to Melania and beckon her like a waitress and say, "Say something honey" and she will say something incomprehensible about us fighting and winning which actually I do believe that we will and once we own Afghanistan, I will make sure that they have the best hotels, the best steaks and the best suits, believe me.
Oh, and thanks for the suggestion that we paraphrase the Bane speech from Batman as a template for my inaug-irrational speech. In fact, I plan to breathe loudly through my nose just like him.
Overall, thank you God -- are you still there? I think they have wi-fi here. Our plan is working out beautifully. It's just great. Just great. I stand there and talk to the people, say whatever I think it is they want to hear, then in I go and the very first piece of business I do is make it harder for people to get mortgages. Then it's on to getting rid of programs to help the poor, while I help dismantle Obamacare, Medicare and social security. That gives Mitch and the boys plenty to make a killing off of while I talk bigly about walls and infrastructures (which again, we can make a killing off of while those people do all the heavy lifting for minimum wages. Ha!).
Putin, who talks to me personally via a chip that has been implanted in my brain (in return for low interest loans) just told me that I have to go stand in front of a full length mirror and do the Donny dance (which is like a mash up of "The Carlton" and the baby dance from Ally McBeal) for him which just amuses him to no end. He talks. I jumpski. No problem. You just do whatever you have to do in order to get everything that you want, am I right?
You did it in seven days. I'm going to do it in four years.
So thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are not only a great God, but you are a terrific guy, a great friend, who looks away when I throw my golf balls towards the hole while no one is looking.
By the way, I am charging you for this call.