My Fellow Americans:
Following a series of educational debates and enlightening speeches by the only qualified Presidential candidate of 2016, I am here to invite you to a new way of life for our great nation. This way of life follows the teachings of an amazingly talented man with orange hair and the uneven spray tan to match. This magnanimous leader has taught us, through his cohesive and intelligent ramblings, that it is okay to fudge and forget, much the same way you might after a drunken stupor.
He has instilled in us that it is perfectly acceptable to forget what you said last night or last week and to prance around your workplace, home, and the world spouting nonsense that will immediately be fact-checked by your friends and family and broadcasted as incorrect on social and public media.
This new way of life is a fuzzy haze that can only be clearly comprehended by the truest Americans. This great leader has shown us that it is our civic duty to join his regime of inconsistent discourse and hateful degradation of culture, religion, and political beliefs. And as long as you are committed to contradicting all of your previous statements and repeatedly interrupting those more experienced and more knowledgeable than you, you will be an individual worshipped from here to Russia.
Furthermore, he has taught us that achieving the highest respect of the people requires an unwavering dedication to insulting any individual or organization that does not give you exactly what you want. Didn’t get the job you applied for? Process was rigged. Last red apple gone at the grocery store? That darn Hillary surely paid everyone off to buy them before you got there. Significant other wants to break up? Well, you’ll just have to look at it at the time (Trump, 2016).
Ladies, this majestic leader has also ensured us that he respects women beyond measure and encourages you to exercise your rights freely. So when you see that guy walking down the street who makes your heart flutter and your daydreams wander, don’t let him pass by. Walk right on up and grab him by the balls because you’re so fine, he’d never say no to you anyway. And not only does this fearless leader champion a blatant disregard for sexual assault, he cares about women so much that he encourages them all to be 10s. So run on over to those oh-so affordable plastic surgeons because you simply cannot be a 10 with a fat ass and anything less than a D-cup.
As you all know, a world in which “Crooked Hillary“ and her 30 years of domestic, international and political experience is POTUS would be completely horrifying and unstable. As true Americans, we must protect ourselves from this “nasty woman” (cue Janet Jackson’s Nasty) and choose which side of the wall we’ll be on this coming November. We absolutely cannot allow a woman who answers election questions with a solid plan to be in charge and we certainly cannot give her the power to share our hard-earned American benefits with the “bad hombres” who have infiltrated our lands.
As we’ve learned from this charismatic tangerine leader, let’s use the next 18 days to throw public tantrums and humiliate ourselves on every media platform known to man. Like him, we can only and will only accept the election outcome if he wins, as failure is sure to result in riots and easily purchased semi-automatics. I urge you to give in to this new way of life designed by the only Presidential candidate we know in our hearts that we can trust: the untraditional, non-politician with the untanned eyelids. So do your true American duty and vote for Donald Trump because we’re all praying that our nation is made great again by a landslide win of racism and bigotry.
May God be with us all.