Profile of Oregon Shooter Offers Breakthrough In Useless Mass Shooter Profiles

A profile is rapidly developing of the gunman who opened fire at Oregon's Umpqua Community College, which reveals pretty much the same information as every other useless mass shooter profile of the past ten years. "So far, it appears--I repeat, appears--that the shooter may have been mentally unbalanced," said Dr. Jerrald Van Leakoff of the Institute for Obvious Criminalistic Hindsight. "And what's more, some people who knew him are surprised at his actions, while others are not. Of course, as experts, we don't want to speculate too much and sully the shooter's name."

Some think this gunman's profile could provide the key to identifying future violent behavior in others. Van Leakoff explains:

This could be the breakthrough we've been waiting for and it won't just go into the collection of other mass shooter profiles currently stored in a facility which resembles the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. And until we know for sure, we're not going to stop mentioning the shooter's name every half hour on the hour and reporting on anything he may have ever said, written, eaten, Tweeted, or posted. I mean, it's not like some unbalanced individual out there waiting to explode is going to feel a connection to the shooter and be inspired to act in a similar way, huh? Remember, I know what I'm talking about. I'm an expert.

Van Leakoff added, "By the way, did I mention the shooter was probaby unbalanced? Because I'm pretty sure he was."