Progressive Rants from Alternate Universe Donald Trump

In an alternate universe, Donald Trump uses his powers for good instead of evil. Previously that imaginary environmentalist Donald ranted about coal, oil, climate science, the Keystone XL pipeline, and the Paris Climate Agreement. Now that this universe's Donald has done better than expected in early primaries, it is time for alternative Donald to weigh in on other important progressive issues:

Jobs: "I have a job. I was born with a job. An amazing job. Several of them actually. People love the jobs I have. They are terrific jobs. And I am always giving people jobs. I say to them, here, take a job. And they do. Jobs make them happy. But I recently heard about people who don't have jobs and frankly I don't understand it. What is wrong with them? When I'm President it won't be a problem. I will hand out jobs like candy, like making candy at candy factories. I mean chocolate is delicious. Does anyone disagree with that? Watch out how you answer that, because the wrong answer might get you deported. People without candy-making skills still want stable, middle-class jobs. Well, I don't know about that. What does middle-class even mean? Is it people with smaller private jets? I don't trust someone whose private jet is too small. No free jobs for them. You know what, forget it. If a robot can make candy better than a human, maybe we will just a skip the jobs thing, and I will just give people money instead."

Economic inequality: "To me, this is a Goldilocks issue. Some people have too much money, some people don't have enough. Me, I have just the right amount. That's pretty much all there is to it. If you want more money, you got to make more. You build some skyscrapers and casinos and put your name at the top. Then the money just flows in. People can occupy my hotels instead of Wall Street. As President, I will get more people into the top 1%, then pretty soon the 99% will be the 47% that my frenemy Mitt Romney used to talk about. It's simple math, my friends."

Health care: "It used to be called health care, and people used to want it. But they couldn't get it because health is a pre-existing condition. Then they started calling it ObamaCare, and now, sure you can get it, because not everyone used to be Obama. You see what I'm saying here. But now the government's involved and all these governors are saying no. So my solution is to give everyone medicine whether you want it or not. Cough syrup, condoms, and band-aids. Everywhere. No matter where you go. We can just drop it out of the sky. Look, it's raining Dimetapp! Just stick your tongue out, and you'll feel better! And when I'm in charge the drug companies will make the medicine taste like candy too. See? Even more jobs created, just like that. You people better love chocolate, or you're out of here.

Criminal justice reform: "I've been told that some people are criminals. And they get that way just by walking down the street. Then they get shot by police who swore an oath to 'serve and protect' them. The police say they are protecting them from further harm by killing them right off the bat, but it makes you wonder if probable cause may just have been, you know, skin color. Earlier in my campaign, my first approach was to deport everyone with the wrong skin color. Problem solved, right? Then I was informed that many of these people are American citizens, so that's an issue. Some of them are even voters, and might not vote for me, because they would be voting for their own deportation. I had to rethink my strategy on that one. So listen up police, stop shooting these people, unless there is a real reason -- like wearing a hoodie sweatshirt, or not liking chocolate candy."

College education: "Kids these days. Am I right? Trying to get ahead. And then, boom, half a million in debt. For what? The cheap beer at a few frat parties and a case of Top Ramen? That debt is going to stay with them like my alimony payments from my first two marriages. But there's an easy answer. These kids need to form LLCs to take on that debt, and then take a page out of the Donald Trump playbook by taking full advantage of all our bankruptcy laws have to offer.

America, I'm telling you, if we just eat candy, drink Dimetapp, and declare bankruptcy, we can be great again."