As I set the table for breakfast I overhear my 4-year-old with my 2-year-old. "If someone tries to touch your penis your allowed to hit them" "I can?" He responds. "Yep - trust me - mom says if you don't feel someone is being safe with your body and touches your penis you can totally punch them!" I smile to myself as they run off and play.
It's no secret my childhood wasn't stable. My mother struggled with numerous addictions and depression that created many holes and hurts in my life. But I was never molested. She unfortunately didn't have the same childhood. Her younger years were ones in which sexual abuse ran rampant. It's terrible. As I grew older she shared some of her stories and how desperately she wished for things to be different for me.
Fast forward to what feels like a million years later and here I am; a mother to three young children seeking tools to keep them safe. Tools to set them up for success around feeling strong and brave with their body and their boundaries. My husband and I have spoke at great lengths about this, I've read many articles, worked first hand in family support, read blogs and attended amazing workshops. I'm not paranoid. I'm not into scare tactics. Seriously I swear. What I am is a realist. I'm not naive to think my children; despite all my tools and analyzing and discussing; might still end up in a situation where they don't feel safe - the stats are fairly cut and dry in this one. One third of Canadians have suffered some form of abuse; with sexual abuse being extremely high. And the reported cases were primarily with someone the child knew.
So throw all these stats together; blended with my mother's childhood and I'm tempted to pretty much never leave my children's side. And since that's not realistic, my husband and I work on the following family tools and values
1. Knowing the names of our genitals and body parts
Just as we teach the names of our elbow and nose, my children also know the correct names of their genitals. And just like I don't giggle when they point to their kneecap curiously asking what it, - the same is true when my son asks about the "eggs" under his penis and what they are called. Our goal is to create normality around our bodies, regardless of which part it is. We don't shame in any shape or form when our kids explore their body; we remind them that's something private to do and they are welcome to use the bathroom or their rooms to do so. It's your body. And I'm very upfront with this - I can't tell you the number of people I know that call their body parts by different names - who the hell calls a vulva a "ducky?" So don't. Please don't. It's not healthy body practices that your children can't name their penis, testicles, vagina or vulva. Practically as well, if you want to get all stats like, pedophiles are more likely to target children that don't know the correct name of their body parts. Why? Because it's a small sign that these children haven't been taught the correct language which means they are less likely to discuss it with their parents. So teach them the damn names.
2. Safe and unsafe touching
From a very young age we talk about this. Pushing our friends when we want a toy isn't safe, giving a friend a high five is safe etc. But we also discuss this around our body and touching. Do you remember "good touch and bad touch" school video's as a child? While helpful in some areas, it also came across slightly creepy to me. Now as an adult I don't find it very clear. Children are beautifully simple. So something good typically feels good. Sexual abuse and the touching that goes with it can unfortunately feel good. So we change the wording to follow how we parent - we use safe and unsafe. It's unsafe for someone to touch your penis, just like it is unsafe for someone to smack your bum or hit your head. We make it as simple as possible. This allows our children to create boxes in their minds, thus being able to check off what feels safe and what doesn't.
3. Respect each other's words, but it's OK to fight back
We use a lot of words in our house; we are clear and firm about the word "no and stop" when someone isn't liking a game. We have always said that those words aren't working - and someone you trust isn't nearby - then it's OK to fight back. I remember reading about an adult sharing her story of abuse, and feeling like she wasn't allowed to fight back since she was always taught to never hit. After that we ensured our children knew we would never be frustrated or upset if they hit someone to ensure their safety. Again we make it pretty cut and dry; we don't encourage a boxing round or a fight club throw down, we say "if you feel unsafe and your words haven't worked - and someone you trust isn't around to help - then it's OK to push/hit/pull someone out of the way to get somewhere safe" I won't raise a child who doesn't feel empowered. So while we always encourage words, we also encourage strength in being able to protect yourself if needed.
4. Role play
I actually use this tool for a million aspects of parenting. They say "children's play is their work" so we try to support this by acting out scenarios of whatever tool we are working on. How would they handle a bribe? "If you let me do this I will give you this" or a threat or secret keeping? Of course we tailor this to simplify and not scare our children in accordance with their age; but it's always helpful to do some practice at home of whatever tool or skill your working on. As parents we have found it builds conversations around how they would handle things in the future without the pressure of being in the moment.
5. We don't have secrets
From an early age on we've always said we aren't secret keepers. We have surprises in our house but never secrets. Surprises always end in us telling someone, even if it's not a good surprise, surprises always end. Whereas a secret sometimes is never told. See the difference? I promise your children will.
6. It's OK to lie to feel safe
I can see you cringe already. Let me put it in context. I try to provide my kids with as many ways to get out of a situation where they don't feel safe. If they are at a friend's house and something happens that gives them "that tight feeling in their stomach" I'm totally cool if they lie and say they have a stomachache and need to go home. Whatever it takes for them to feel safe: "my mom will kill me if I'm late, my grandpas 60th birthday is starting in 20 min" whatever. We are pretty protective about friends and family that our children are alone with. But again, I don't want my naive outlook to mean we don't set them up for success.
Holy hell. I wish I could guarantee if you did everything we've talked that your kids would be safe forever. That my kids would be safe. Sexual abuse is scary. It can be friends, relatives, or even our children's friends. It does happen. And if it does, then we face that head on and support our children through it. As much as we try, we can't predict or protect our children from everything. And if that day ever comes when our children share a story where they need us to believe them; we will. Our kids don't need our personal guilt getting in the way of helping them or supporting them if they do end up a victim of abuse.
My hope is that this stirs conversation in your household. I'm sure you have a million more thoughts and suggestions to add; do it! Add it to your daily chats with your partner and kids. Encourage your friends to avoid scare tactics, and instead put some thought in how this will work practically for their family. I promise you'll never regret it.