One of the things that we can probably agree on as parents is that one of the hats we wear is that of “teacher” or “guide.” Most of us believe that being a parent means showing our children what to do — act in a loving, thoughtful, generous, and truthful manner — and what not to do — behave in hurtful, malicious, self-centered, or deceitful ways. Of course, we also spend a fair amount of time telling our children what to do and not do (some of which we don’t always model so consistently ourselves, but that’s another story).
Even though parenting has been evolving, some old habits can be amazingly difficult to leave behind from one generation to the next. Punishment is one such habit. While some of the ways parents punish their children have changed (or they’ve been “rebranded” under new, nicer names), the idea that children need punishment to “teach” them is still widespread.
Punishment does “work” . . . but
Though punishment can be “effective” in changing our children’s behavior, it is a bit like using chemo on cancer — it sure is powerful, but it carries with it serious side effects. Thus we need to look at those side effects to see if punishment is a good teaching method.
Side effect #1: Punishment erodes the trust a child has for their parent
If you want a loving, open relationship with your child, punishing them is something to avoid doing. Punishment is meant to inflict pain — emotionally or physically — to compel the child to behave as the parent deems acceptable. If you’re intentionally inflicting pain on your children, this will to turn them against you. Their retreat may be inward and hidden or it may be overt and pushed in your face. But you will ultimately lose your child’s trust if you choose to punish them to “teach.”
Side effect #2: Punishment deters without educating
Some parents who punish do attempt to explain why certain behaviors are unacceptable, but because the punishment erodes their child’s trust in them, the parents have less credibility as trustworthy teachers. If the ultimate goal is for a child to behave in certain ways, the child needs to have the willingness to freely choose to do so even when the threat of punishment is absent.
Side effect #3: Punishment creates pain
Punishment — which by its nature has a perpetrator and a victim — halts humanity’s plodding progress towards peace by passing down the habits of enmity. When we’ve been hurt, part of us wants to hurt back, to regain a sense of power and shake off our victimhood. If punishment continues to be used on children, they are going to keep using it themselves and the cycle of violence will continue.
So, what works better than punishment?
If the primary goal is to influence our children’s behavior, what we need to ask ourselves is, “How can I be someone whose influence my child is receptive to?” In the video below I share some of the factors that help open our child up to our efforts to teach. (I’ve cut to a few minutes in as the first part of the video is repetitive to what I’ve written here.).
Influence our children from a place of love
If we were punished as children (as a great number of us were), it can be hard to resist the impulse to punish our own sons and daughters (even if we swore we’d never be like our moms or dads). But, if we’re wanting a more peaceful world and enduring, loving relationships with our children, we must choose to teach and guide only in ways that don’t harm. Though punishments can change behavior, they do so at a cost far too high. Let punishing children become a sad relic of our past — there are far better ways to help our children learn and grow.
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You can join a worldwide community of moms focused on mindful, peaceful parenting in my Facebook group, The Conscious Moms’ Circle. You can also reach out to me via Twitter (@ShonnieLavender) and Google+. Find more conscious parenting tips on my YouTube channel or my blog.