Questions on a Scandal

Editor's note: This post is a satire.

Roughly a third of the $660 million dollar sexual abuse settlement being paid out the L.A. Archdiocese is being picked up by insurance. Not being that up on this segment of the economy, the whole concept of being insured for a civil action in retribution for a felony is a new one on me. What insurance company do they use?

("Prudential for Auto, home, fire, theft, penetrating a 10-year-old, with deductibles as low as $44 million." )

("At Aetna, we offer wrap-around coverage for everything from sodomy to fondling...")

("I accidently penetrated a red-haired six-year old girl and my State Farm Agent was on the scene within minutes." [I'm State Farm agent Adrian Goodlove and this is a true story...])


From my years at ABC sports, I know that the NFL Players Association has pretty comprehensive insurance. In addition, 80 percent of all married NFL players get divorced within five years of retiring. Taking into account the parallels of inevitability between the NFL and the Catholic church, shouldn't OJ Simpson have been covered for 11 million of the $33 million he owes the Goldmans and Browns?

Amazing how Cardinal Mahoney apparently got no performance tips before his mea culpa. (Catholic University has one of the best acting schools in the country...they couldn't have hired some sophomore to issue the apology?) Mahoney sounded like he was copping to rolling a stop sign. He actually apologized to everyone who was "offended." Then he said that the whole society must be vigilant about child sexual abuse because the church is not the only guilty party. He managed to come up just shy of saying "But mom, everyone's into it!"


Not to diminish anyone's suffering but the victims in the scandal are represented by a group called SNAP. Did they have meetings and strategy sessions to come up with a cheerful sounding acronym?