QUIZ: Drunken College Girl or My Malfunctioning iPhone 5?


On Friday, exactly the same day that the new iPhone 6 was available in Apple stores, my heretofore perfectly-functioning iPhone 5 began acting nutty. Basically, Siri and Voice Control rose up and took control of the device, behaving so erratically and defying all attempts to calm it that if it had been a person, I would have called 9-1-1 for a mental health intervention. In fact, after a few hours, the behavioral pattern cohered into one I recognized from back in my co-ed days: a drunken college girl. Specifically, a drunken college girl back in her off-campus apartment after long night looking for Mr. Right at a frat party.

Let's see if you can sort out whether the following actions were performed by the Drunken College Girl (DCG) or my iPhone 5. "Both" is also a choice. Answers at the bottom.

  1. Out of absolutely nowhere, begins to sing "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC. Resists all efforts to be restrained.
  2. Dials the brother of a friend, assorted nephews, and anyone with the last name starting with "B."
  3. Says mournfully, "No match found. No match found."
  4. Spontaneously breaks into a loud rendition of "Lose Control" by Missy Elliott while someone else is on an important phone call.
  5. Dials old boyfriends just to say "hi."
  6. Spontaneously breaks into a loud rendition of "Push It Good" by Salt N'Pepa during a trip to the grocery store
  7. Upon being thrown onto a bed and told to calm down for a few hours, appears to crash. But only after shouting out a few more names first.
  8. Wakes up contrite. Craves energy in the form of Diet Coke and French fries.
  9. Wakes up contrite. Craves energy in the form of USB port.
  10. After a few hours of good behavior, takes the Express Train right back to Crazytown.


  1. Both
  2. iPhone 5
  3. Both
  4. iPhone 5
  5. DCG
  6. DCG
  7. Both
  8. DCG
  9. iPhone 5
  10. Both

If you got 1-5 answers right: you probably had a really hard double major and didn't party much. If you got more than 5 answers right: see you in line outside the Apple store for the iPhone 6.