Parenting

30 Funny Dads Share The Truth About Fatherhood

“Most noticeable difference since becoming a dad: I’ve cried hard TWICE at ‘America’s Got Talent’ this season.”
06/14/2018 12:47pm ET | Updated June 15, 2018

Kids can be messy, whiny and all-around challenging. They can also be great fodder for jokes. Comedians and other witty celebrities have certainly found this to be true.

In honor of Father’s Day, here are 30 quotes about fatherhood from some famous funny dads.

1
On Bedtime
Santiago Felipe via Getty Images
"The bedtime routine for my kids is like this Royal Coronation Jubilee Centennial of rinsing and plaque and dental appliances and the stuffed animal semi-circle of emotional support. And I’ve gotta read eight different moron books. You know what my bedtime story was when I was a kid? Darkness!" — Jerry Seinfeld
2
On Having Two Kids
Carlo Allegri / Reuters
“Two kids are easier than one because they play together. When you have one, you have to be the show. When you’ve got two, you’re just an usher. ‘Right this way ladies!’ They can play in the park while you’re reading the paper. ‘Hey, hey, hey! Get off her hair!’ Then you go back to reading ... One kid is horrible. Have a bunch of kids or have none at all.” -- Chris Rock
3
On The Messy Reality Of Parenting
Jason LaVeris via Getty Images
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano
4
On The Emotional Changes Of Fatherhood
Mike Pont via Getty Images
“Most noticeable difference since becoming a dad: I’ve cried hard TWICE at ‘America’s Got Talent’ this season.” -- Seth Meyers
5
On Kids' Perceptions
GUS RUELAS / Reuters
"Someone asked my son what his father does for a living. He said, 'He plays basketball and changes his shorts.'" -- Taye Diggs
6
On Inconsistency
Jamie McCarthy via Getty Images
“You have to be adaptable because they constantly keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food out on the carpet.” — Neil Patrick Harris
7
On Newborns
Mario Anzuoni / Reuters
“I’ve never had more poop on my person.” — Justin Timberlake
8
On Paranoia
Mario Anzuoni / Reuters
“I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.” — Will Arnett
9
On Patience
Slaven Vlasic via Getty Images
"I really love my kids for about six minutes a day." -- Michael Ian Black
10
On Parenting Teens
Jim Spellman via Getty Images
"Teenagers should be an affliction." -- Will Smith
11
On Kid 'Talents'
Carlo Allegri / Reuters
"My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage." -- Ryan Reynolds
12
On Making Kids Laugh
Greg Doherty via Getty Images
“If I can walk around in my underwear and pull it up super high so it’s just gross-looking and then try and be very serious with them. I like to do that ... pretend to be very mad and have my underwear hiked up ... really high.” — Paul Rudd
13
On The Difficulty Of Parenting
Gabriel Olsen via Getty Images
"I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids." -- Andy Richter
14
On Children's Books
JB Lacroix via Getty Images
"Side effect of 'Go, Dog, Go,' the best book ever: Your son WILL tell total strangers on the bus that he does not like their hat." -- Lin-Manuel Miranda
15
On Low Points
Christopher Polk via Getty Images
“I didn’t know you could get mad at kids to the point where you want to fight. Kids are assholes. My daughter is an asshole. We argue — she can’t even talk.” -- Kevin Hart
16
On Christmas As A Dad
Jason LaVeris via Getty Images
"Thinking about telling my kids Santa doesn't exist so I can get credit for some of this shit." -- Adam Scott
17
On The Transformation Of Parenting
Mike Pont via Getty Images
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” -- Jim Gaffigan
18
On Not Alienating Your Kids
Danny Moloshok / Reuters
"I'd better go easy on Bieber. I could see my kids loving him in the future. I don't want them hating me for hating him." -- Ken Jeong
19
On Being A First-Time Parent
Paul Zimmerman via Getty Images
“I just wake up hoping that I don’t screw up today.” — John Krasinski
20
On Baby Fluids
Andrew Toth via Getty Images
“They vomit a lot. For a second I thought I needed to rename my first Linda Blair and hire a priest, because she was spitting up so much.” -- Jimmy Fallon
21
On Kid Humor
Jason LaVeris via Getty Images
“Kids are hilarious. They say the darnedest things, but that’s just because they don’t really know what they’re saying, and that just makes much more funniness happen.” -- Kenan Thompson
22
On 'Free Time' For Parents
D Dipasupil via Getty Images
“There are no time-outs, really. Weekends, you think you can catch up on rest, and it’s the opposite. It gets even busier. It’s a different kind of busy.” — Mario Lopez
23
On The Truth About Kids
Phil McCarten / Reuters
“[Kids] are just like annoying short people.” — Hank Azaria
24
On Parenting Fails
Jason LaVeris via Getty Images
"My daughter just turned 4, so she loves visiting aquariums and going to the beach -- anything related to water. I'll sometimes try to get her to wash my car, but she's not into that kind of water activity." -- Randall Park
25
On Teaching Responsibility
Gabriel Olsen via Getty Images
"Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours." -- Conan O'Brien
26
On The Opportunity In Fatherhood
Jared Siskin via Getty Images
"Fatherhood is great, because you can ruin someone from scratch." -- Jon Stewart
27
On The Tooth Fairy
Phil McCarten / Reuters
“My daughter Hannah, my 7-year-old, lost her first tooth, and the tooth fairy came. And then the next day we were taking a video, ‘Hey, Hannah, the tooth fairy came, oh, my gosh,” and our 4-year-old ― I panned down to her, ‘Hey, Harper, the tooth fairy came!’ And she goes, ‘Someone was in our house?’ And I go, ‘The tooth fairy was in our house,’ and she’s like, ‘Someone was in my room? While I was sleeping? And you guys are cool with this?’” -- Bill Hader
28
On Going Out In Public With Kids
Slaven Vlasic via Getty Images
“We took the kids to Disney World, and everybody at the park is yelling, ‘Rick James, bitch!’ Hey man, you mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids? Even Mickey Mouse did it.” -- Dave Chappelle
29
On Parenting Advice
Randy Shropshire via Getty Images
"Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close & whisper 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'" -- Rob Delaney
30
On Taking Care Of A Toddler
Steve Jennings via Getty Images
“He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive.” -- Jason Sudeikis