Rachel Dratch is a seriously funny mom.
The comedian and “Saturday Night Live” alum has a 6-year-old son named Eli. And based on her tweets, he’s quite a dynamic kid.
Dratch often shares her experiences and hilarious musings about life with a preschooler on Twitter. We’ve rounded up some of her very funniest parenting tweets below.
Someday my son will have warm loving memories of watching kids movies while I looked at my phone.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) April 5, 2016
I feel like all the times i've put my son in his crib while trying not to wake him may have really improved my Jenga game.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) October 14, 2011
Watching toddler tv gives you the impression you are going to run across a lot more treasure chests in life than you actually do.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) January 28, 2013
Parenting tip: maybe don't leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) August 1, 2016
5yo son burps super-loud in public.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) May 21, 2016
Me: "What do you say?"
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: "If you can't behave we're going to have to leave here."— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) August 17, 2015
"But I want to leave here."
3 yo and dad start assembling a new toy in living room. 3 yo emerges and says to me, "Mommy, what's a nightmare?"— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) September 9, 2013
Overheard 3 yo playing with knights: "GUARDS! SNEEZE THEM!!"— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) April 22, 2014
Things my baby likes playing with: phones (cell and land line), electrical wires. Things he doesn't like to play with: toys made for babies— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) May 26, 2011
4yo: "I want to watch a violent children's movie."— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) September 27, 2014
I just found myself perusing reviews for the "Gas Out Game" on Amazon, because apparently, only the best of fart-based games for my child.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) December 17, 2016
Asked 3 yo how his first day back at preschool was today. He yells "HIT IT!" to imaginary band then starts singing "I doon't like schoool!"— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) January 8, 2014
Swimming classes for your baby seem like a really good idea til u realize that u, also, have to get into the pool.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) May 18, 2011
Asked my 3yo for the first time, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" His answer: "An ogre."— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) October 23, 2013
My 4yo has picked up the parenting lingo: "Mommy I want more screen time!"— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) November 15, 2014
Me: (singing to 2 yo)— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) May 30, 2013
2yo: "Can you don't?"
In effort to stay up,3yo emerges from rm:"I have to do some work on the computer."Me:What work?"I have to look up where all the potties are"— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) February 13, 2014
Halloween: I wanted 4yo to be a cute pumpkin but he is insisting on being a skeleton who wears an inexplicable jacket w red lapels & top hat— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) October 28, 2014
I guess my fave part about pet fish for my 5yo is cleaning poop from their tank.Just kidding-it's all the cuddling &affection they provide.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) February 18, 2016
Every time someone says the president is a child or a toddler all I can think of is I've never met a child who's this much of a dick.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) June 29, 2017
Child of advertising: 4 yo crying cuz he wants a dessert. "I just...want...delicious goodness!"— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) January 31, 2015
Not to be all mommy-centric, but I did scarf down a bowl of pasta seated next to a diaper pail this evening in a brief moment of "me-time."— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) May 6, 2013
Promised 3yo I'd find the lost plastic hair that snaps onto tiny lego head while he sleeps. Mountain of toys. I'm in a modern-day Greek myth— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) November 27, 2013
Watching a random 2yo eat CAULIFLOWER as a SNACK and wondering where I went wrong.— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) April 2, 2014