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In this week's compilation of random movies worth checking out -- from the comfort of your own couch, obviously -- I bring you natural disasters, late pizza, and a whole lotta Keanu! (Except the actual movie, Keanu.)
Earth's Final Hour
Where to find it: Netflix DVD
The cast: Robert Knepper, Julia Benson, Cameron Bright
The synopsis: "When a super-dense fragment of an interstellar mass punches through the Earth's core, the impact slows down the globe's rotation threatening the world with total destruction."
"What's the big deal about slowing down the Earth's rotation?" I hear you asking. Short answer: plenty. Think about it: One single day could last like, 100 hours or something. Cool if it's a Saturday. Not so cool if it's a workday. Also, watching the sunset with your partner? That could be like, a six-hour ordeal. Burnt corneas ain't romantic, bro. Not even a little.
These four things happen in the movie. Pretty much in the order implied above.
Sherlock Holmes
Where to find it: Check local listings
The Cast: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams
The Showcase synopsis: "Detective Sherlock Holmes and his stalwart partner Watson engage in a battle of wits and brawn with a nemesis whose plot is a threat to all of England."
Hey, the delightful Rachel McAdams is in this movie! I saw her at a bar in Toronto a couple of years ago and she seemed nice. I mean, I didn't talk to her or anything, but I just kinda got that vibe, ya know? I'm sure we could have yapped charmingly for hours, but I'm all about giving celebs their space. I'm just that kind of awesome. Anyhow, watch Sherlock Holmes: it's pretty good.
"Yo Holmes, to Bel-Air!"
30 Minutes or Less
Where to find it: Amazon
The cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Danny McBride, Aziz Ansari
The synopsis: "The tale of three slacker friends and the adventures that ensue after one of them inadvertently robs a bank armed only with a large salami."
Anyhow who's worked retail knows those orders ain't being processed lickity-split without a seriously awesome POS system. So can we really blame Jesse Eisenberg's pizza delivery character for his inability to adhere to his boss's '30 minutes or less' policy? The company's taking orders on g-darn pads of paper like it's 1977! No wonder Jesse gets mixed in with a bunch of nefariously bank robbers -- at least they're using up-to-date technology to get their jobs done.
Left to right: dude from 'Parks and Rec,' Mark Zuckerberg.
Matrix Revolutions
Where to find it: Netflix DVD
The cast: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss
The synopsis: "The human city of Zion defends itself against the massive invasion of the machines as Neo fights to end the war once and for all."
It's time for an embarrassing piece of disclosure: I've never seen Matrix Revolutions. Which is really weird because A) it was released years ago, and B) I loved the original Matrix. For some reason, I simply never got around to it. Which means I'll be finally tuning this week 'cause I honestly have no idea how things end. Does Neo turn out to be Trinity's brother? (Gross). Do all the hundreds of Agent Smiths attempt to break the record for world's longest conga line? Does somebody buy Morpheus a goofy Cliff Huxtable-style sweater for his birthday? (Dude could use a splash of colour in his wardrobe). I reckon I'll find out. No spoilers!
Is the movie's final freeze-frame a la 'Rocky III'?Constantine
Where to find it: Amazon
The cast: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf
The synopsis: "Constantine tells the story of irreverent supernatural detective John Constantine, who has literally been to hell and back."
Admittedly, I'm disappointed Keanu Reeve's character isn't named 'Jake Constantine,' because how badass would that be? (answer: very extremely). But hey, silver medal try for naming him 'John.' Anyhow, it's a small blip on an otherwise highly entertaining film about a man struggling with his demons (quasi-pun intended). John Constantine has been to hell, so he knows a thing or two about inconvenience. Hell has an abundance of long lineups, paper cuts, undercooked pork, Wayans Brothers movies, and Florida Panthers games. You think you can handle that? You CANNOT handle that. But John Constantine can. And now that he's back on Earth, not much is gonna faze him. So, you know, don't mess with the guy, is what I'm saying.
The cover of Pearl Jam's 'Ten' album, but with demons and Keanu.