Dear Social Media Friends,
People say you aren’t my true friends, but I don’t care. I still need you, because life can be rough and you make things so easy.
For example, it’s hard to make real friends as an adult, especially as a parent. You’re generally picking from parents whose kids are in school or sports with yours, and then you have to consider if your husbands will like each other or you have enough in common. Will you want to eat dinner at 7:00 on a Saturday night? Will you think I’m frumpy for driving a minivan? And then if we do hit it off, I actually have to care about you. It’s just something I do. I’ll want to know how your weekend was, if things are OK with your mom, if you need me to come to that doctor appointment or if your kids need a ride home. I’ll want to see you for lunch, for a “girls night”, to lay around and talk. I’ll be a really good friend, I’ll bring you soup when you’re sick and organize gifts on your birthday, and that’s a lot of work.
But social media friends are so easy. I don’t have to care about you at all and you’re still my friend. I can ignore your post about losing your grandmother when I’m late for an appointment and I can ignore your comment about your latest victory as I roll my eyes. You don’t have to care about my kids – you probably don’t even know their names, and we’re still friends! It’s so easy.
Also, when I have a real friend, I don’t lie to them. I’m open and honest and expect the same in return. I’ll tell you when something bothers me because I value what we have.
But on social media we all lie to each other all the time. And no one really cares. You post a picture of a blissful family outing when I know you’re miserable and I reply with “love this so much” when I know it’s total horse*#^*. I reply to people I’ve never met with a kiss-blowing emoji when I don’t even love you a little bit. But who cares? I don’t. You don’t. It’s so easy!
And social media friends require no commitment at all. In fact, I have “friends” who walk right past me in real life like they have no idea who I am. Didn’t you just message me about whitening toothpaste and now you pretend not to see me so you don’t have to smile? That’s crazy - but it’s fine, because who cares?
With real friends, I’d never do that, and you’d never do it to me. If I see you I’ll always come over, I’ll sit and ask how you are and talk about life. I’ll be happy to see you and I’ll never pretend you’re not there.
But here’s the thing. I just read these studies that said young people now feel more supported by big groups of online friends than they do by small groups of real friends. That they derive affirmation from feedback to their online posts rather than feedback from intimate friendships. One UCLA study found teens prefer to communicate by texting rather than by seeing their friends face to face, which leaves them feeling less connected and bonded to people than ever before.
And I’m just worried.
Because I have kids, and I don’t want them to think that this is what real friendship is. I want them to beg for rides to their friends’ houses so they can play and laugh and have fun - face to face. I want them to go on adventures together and meet up for ice cream after school. I want them to crowd into each other’s college dorm rooms to make plans for the night, to choose outfits and talk about crushes, not discuss it over text. I want them to see each other, laugh together, not with a yellow face crying tears, but together, really laughing. I want them to know how incredible real friendships are, because there’s nothing better.
So don’t get me wrong, I really like my online friends. They offer support when I need advice and make me smile when they like my posts, call my kids cute and wish me a happy birthday, and I try to give it back. Like I said, life can be hard and online friendships are so easy. But they’re not the close, special friendships you get in real life. As a wise person once said, a true friendship is like peeing in your pants…
Everyone else can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.