Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you haven't seen Season 3, Episode 9 of Bravo's "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," titled "Moroccan Madness."
They're BAAAAAAAAAACK! And they're all fighting!
The "Real(ish) Housewives of Beverly Hills" returned to our screens Monday night with way more energy than in episodes past. I read all of your comments from last week and it looks like Brandi is quite the polarizing figure. Some felt she "tells it like it is" while others were bored by her childish antics. I find myself vacillating between both points of view every time she opens her mouth.
Episode 9 was filled with all the housewives and applicable husbands, sans Adrienne, Paul, and the ridiculous David Foster. But newbie Marisa and her husband who looks creepily similar to Rick Santorum were in attendance.
I'm not sure why Marisa keeps appearing in "RHOBH" episodes and I would be genuinely surprised if she became a cast member -- though I do have to give her credit for entertaining me with the ridiculously oversized, Moroccan-inspired, bejeweled bandana that she wore as a dress to dinner. I rewound the episode more than once to watch her walk out of her house.
I particularly enjoyed this episode because it started off with Yolanda, who is quickly becoming my favorite little alien. Yolanda was in her lemon tree orchard among the birds and the bees (literally -- she said she has a hive and makes honey), and lectured Kyle about the Master Cleanse.
For those who are unfamiliar and/or did not spend their formative college years in the City of Angels, let me explain: The Master Cleanse is this totally insane 10-day diet that consists of drinking a watered-down concoction of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.
All you really have to know about the cleanse is that Beyonce went on it for two weeks while she was shooting "Dreamgirls." I also went on it once and lost 10 pounds in six days, which caused me to become scared for my life and end the diet early. Side fact: you gain the weight back almost immediately but I have found that those who have dipped their toes in the Master Cleanse pool feel a certain sense of pride.
Yolanda clearly shares that pride because she said she felt so inspired by the way she was feeling on the cleanse that she wanted to grow organic lemons in her yard. That feeling was hunger, Yolanda. Not inspiration. And your yard is now the farming equivalent of grocery shopping while you're hungry: instead of over-purchasing, you over-planted. But it looks pretty, so there's that.
Meanwhile, Kim buzzed around her kitchen (sadly not preparing chicken salad) and talked about cookies she made that looked suspiciously similar to those found in Pepperidge Farms' Chocolate variety pack.
Did you know that there's a quiz on Pepperidge Farm's website that you can take to find out what kind of cookie you are?! Based on the kind of shoes I wear, I am a Verona. Weird.
So anyways, Kim welcomed her life coach Gary, who seemed more like an aspiring mafioso, into her home. Kim said she was upset because now that she's out of rehab, Kyle seems totally different. I have to give Gary the aspiring mafioso credit here for succinctly laying it out: Kyle's different because "you're not drunk anymore," he said to Kim. Point well taken, sir!
Back at Vanderpump Castle, King Ken planted pink impatiens in a heart-shaped flowerbed as Rocio the housekeeper tied ribbons on a pink swing for Queen Lisa.
Lisa returned home and was led outside to her floral surprise. She was touched, inserted an obligatory couples "swinging" joke, and swung her little heart out. Ken asked to renew their vows and she said yes.
Then the episode turned to the main event: dinner at a Moroccan restaurant that Kim mistook for an Indian restaurant because they were "going to be eating on the floor."
Brandi arrived early and told Marisa and Kyle that Adrienne was suing her for that thing Bravo edited out (apparently that Adrienne used a surrogate).
Then the rest of the group rolled in. Camille walked in shakin' her thang like it ain't no thang, followed by Taylor, whose outfit reminded me of Emily Mortimer's awful metallic dress at the Golden Globes Sunday night.
Belly dancers showed up, Kyle swung her hair around like a moron, and Yolanda yelled at a dancer to stop gyrating so she could stick a tip in her bra.
Kim and Kyle had a "serious talk" about their contentious relationship that went something like this: Kim was all, "Kyle, you've been cold since I got out of rehab." And Kyle was like, "Yeah, I know I'm cold to you." And Kim sat there all, "My boobs are about to pop out of my dress." And Kyle leaned forward like, "Look at my enormous earrings that I've worn in every episode this season." And then Kim was just like, "I really love you and miss you."
Meanwhile, Taylor was having a meltdown and Yolanda criticized the restaurant for not having "a lot of Arabic culture going on."
Taylor did not do herself any favors because she went from saying that she felt like dating men was like cheating on her dead husband to crying over the fact that she doesn't have a private plane anymore.
An emotional Taylor cried, "My daughter still goes, 'Mommy, can we go on our plane again?' And I'm like, 'Baby -- there's no plane.'" Seriously???
Then Mauricio started yelling at Brandi for failing to apologize to Adrienne, which just caused a fascinating game of word association that spiraled out of control.
Mauricio defended Adrienne, which led Taylor to rage about her ex-husband wanting to sue Camille last season. And then Kim told Taylor that she could have left her abusive husband, which almost caused Taylor to "go all Oklahoma on [Kim's] ass."
Then Ken tried to stick up for Brandi and painted her as this poor spinster dying of hunger in the corner. Mauricio argued that women can be as strong as men because he has "four daughters and they have AMAZING brains!"
Kim jumped back in and said that Brandi had thrown around untruths before. And Brandi claimed that she didn't say anything untrue about Kim -- she was just incorrect in thinking that Kim was a crystal meth addict instead of an alcoholic.
Lisa wondered why no one spoke up in her defense when she was being accused of selling stories to Radar Online. And then Brandi just flipped her lid and told Mauricio to shut the f-word up, and then Rick Santorum asked who was ready for dessert.
And there you have it! Do you think Marisa is on her way to becoming a cast member? If so, what do you think her intro line will be? What did you think of tonight's episode? Do you miss Paul and Adrienne? Sound off in the comments below!
"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" airs on Mondays at 9 p.m. EST on Bravo.