During the "Real Housewives Of New Jersey" Reunion Part Douche (that's French for "two"), I had a few selfish hopes. I desired to see:
- Joe Gorga and Joe Giudice finally address their sexual tension and proclaim undying, greasy man love.
- Teresa's hairline gain autonomy and violently choke Caroline.
- All the various "Housewives" children come on stage like puppies in those animal shelter commercials looking very sad and begging us to send a few cents a month to sponsor their transition to happier homes.
But unfortunately, this happened instead.
Since this is one continuous reunion cut into three vicious parts, we're thrown right in to the psychotic ring. Everyone's screaming and getting their triple-layered Spanx in a bunch. Apparently Teresa has brought up a touchy topic: Kathy's deceased father. "Rosie. Will. Kill. Her," Melissa says to Andy with genuine fear in her eyes.
Backstage, Rosie's raging around shouting "MY FATHER IS DEAD. I WILL RIP HER F---ING HEAD OFF. I SWEAR TO CHRIST." She's rocking a massive cross ... but unless Jesus enjoyed decapitating a bitch, something tells me he's not gonna approve. (Everyone knows God prefers the "Housewives of Beverly Hills," so I assume he's not watching.)
In this moment, Caroline's actually trying to diffuse the situation while Kathy flaps her new lips. I guess the doctor injected venom in there, 'cause I've never heard her this vehemently nasty. Backstage yet again, Lauren Manzo's similarly playing peacemaker. "Think about the way your dad would want you to react. Just make him proud," she says soothingly. The verbal Xanax chills Rosie out, and she decides not to murder Teresa with her bare hands. Bummer, 'cause splattered blood would really bring out Rosie's eyes.
Then we enter the "Twilight Jersey Zone" and Caroline actually puts her gnarled hand on Teresa's knee. After checking her skin for chemical burns, she launches into one of her patented "let me use a sympathetic voice to verbally abuse you" tirades. "This is 15 minutes of fame! You are going to wake up one day and be alone, listen to me! This is your family!" she cries. Then, Melissa checks her outside voice at the door and shrieks, "You don't get to play victim! I'm the victim!" Teresa's been hollering in tongues, but she finally finds her words and yells, "I haven't talked to my brother in a year! That's your fault!" They take a brief moment to sit back and pant like animals dressed in drag. Seriously, they make Cujo look like a lap dog.
"You guys," Andy interjects, "I was trying to make a right turn to talk to Kathy about she and Rosie, which is a very nice relationship." Kathy quickly cuts him off, informing us that Teresa tried to "ruin that too." After a montage of the sisters' incredible tolerance and love, Rosie joins the ladies on the couch. Andy lavishes her with praise, and as she re-hashes coming out to her beloved niece and nephew, we're reminded that some good did occur this heinous season. (To learn more about Rosie's story, check out an interview I did with her. She never expressed interest in cutting my head off.)
After a brief commercial break so viewers could medicate themselves and the ladies could be re-painted into their outfits, we're back! We're treated to a montage of the RV trip, or as I like to call it, "Hell on Wheels." Friendships ended, an affair was brought to light and a Manzo had a breakdown, but Andy's focused on the most significant moment: When Melissa fondled Teresa's fun bags. "That's who I am!" Melissa says happily. Then, somehow, the conversation turns again to Teresa and Kathy's poor mothers. Those ladies already have to live with bringing these harpies into the world -- that's certainly enough pain for one lifetime, thanks very much.
After Kathy apologizes, Teresa moves back on to the Melissa-Kathy couch. "That means I accept" the apology, she clarifies. Can you imagine if this was how wars were ended? Afghanistan would just pop back on the US sectional and they'd turn on Bravo to watch this battle being waged.
Caroline's Napattack is next on the menu, and she serves Teresa a steaming plate of hate. "You called me a 'C,'" she says, obviously alluding to when Teresa called her "cookie monster," I think. As a gluten-free person, I find it extremely offensive.
Andy brings up how everyone considers Caroline a bully now, and he reads a single viewer comment as unmitigated proof. "I'd like you to give me one instance when I bullied you," Caroline asks Teresa. Now's Teresa's chance to really stick it to Caroline. Absolve thy self, Teresa! Tell Rosie's buddy Jesus to move over and crucify her! "Um ... all season?" she says weakly. Then Caroline does some crazy Jersey Jedi mind-trick crap and Teresa blurts out, "You're not bullying me."
Now it's time to focus on Melissa and her assets. By "assets" I mean, quite literally, her ass. Regardless of how ugly things got between the women, her rump remained perky -- and for that, let us applaud it. She tells us that her newest single, "I Just Wanna ..." is about to drop. She never explains exactly what she "wanna" do, but feel free to let your imagination run wild. Then, enjoy a round of dry heaving.
Next we're treated to another "viewer question" from the brilliant pool of creatures who watch and enjoy this show. A human named "D" from Marietta wonders if Teresa believes Melissa can sing without Autotune. This writer feels "D" needs to try and wonder about more important things, but we can't all have lives outside of the TV, can we. "Want me to sing for you right now?" Melissa asks. She launches into the first bit of "How Many Times," which is a song off her album "No, Melissa Can't Sing Without Autotune." She sounds kinda meh, but maybe that's because I have human ears. I assume animals can hear that frequency a bit better. Of course, Teresa's not impressed. She launches into her own mock-rendition of "On Display," and her shrill voice actually bursts everyone's fake boobs. Silicone tidal wave! Someone throw Andy a fashionable life jacket!
Then the whole "incessant and impossible to follow" yelling bit starts. Jacqueline lays down and Teresa rants about fish. She name drops Tilapia specifically, what's up T-lap! Loved you with mashed potatoes last week! "Your mother cooks it and you tweet it," Melissa growls when Teresa's kitchen prowess comes up.
Although it would be fun to delve into that last accusation, Andy wants us to know that Ethel from Brookline read "on the internet" that Melissa was selling her mansion. I'm just picturing Ethel scouring The New York Times and Wall Street Journal before realizing, "Oh, all the ACTUAL news is on the world wide web." Melissa takes a deep breath, widens her eyes so that they will tear up, and says, "I don't want my kids going to school with hers, and I'm moving away so there's the truth." She fears that Teresa's girls -- her nieces -- will gang up on her daughter in the future. See? I'm not the only one who thinks those Giudice girls are Satan's fun-size mistresses!
Those tears dry pretty quickly as Melissa and Teresa go at each other over Teresa's "Melissa's a gold digger" quip. As an agitated Melissa gets all crazy Italian-hands and almost whacks her sister-in-law's weave off, Teresa shouts that she will "press charges." This is getting good! "You wish that my life was your life," Melissa says with a flourish.
"Something keeps coming up here," Andy says. "It's the idea that Melissa came on the show [behind Teresa's back] to hurt you." Teresa says she let it all go and holds no grudges. Then she does a weird Alvin and the Chipmunks squeaky voice and begins to bow down to everyone. Either she's looking for all her lost marbles or the final screw has actually come loose. It's upsetting in that whole "Oh my god. My entire life is suddenly looking so much better" way.
After Teresa quits doing her yoga, her delightful and incredibly faithful husband joins her on the couch. It appears he's allowed the purple Teletubby to select his outfit; he's rocking an incredibly offensive violet shirt with a very large collar. A royal color for a regal man, obvi. Another montage reminds us of all Joe's cute moments: From telling his kids to shut up to blatantly cheating on his wife, there's just so much to love about this special, special man.
Andy cuts right to the chase and asks Joe who he was really talking to in the vineyard. "Uh, Albie. A friend of mine, I was taking care of things back home," Joe says succinctly. Makes perfect sense, actually. Most males I know giggle and coo, "I missssss youuuuu" to each other before trying to hide their innocent, completely acceptable conversation from "c---" wives. "It wasn't a girlfriend?" Andy says suspiciously. "If I was talking to a girl I would have ripped my mic off and threw it in the bushes," Joe says with a glint in his dull eyes. "I shouldn't have said what I said to [Teresa]," Joe says with a shrug. "That word isn't even in my vocabulary." Uh ... except when it is?
Teresa says she was hurt, but agrees with her husband: He never says that word usually, so like, when he did say it it was OK. Not following that logic personally, but whatever floats your c--- boat I guess.
Then, Andy asks the million dollar question: "Why pretend to be speaking another language if it was a co-worker?" Joe's got a totally normal answer for that one, too. "He put my Spanish pizza guy on the phone cause he was having a problem," he explains. Andy looks completely flabbergasted. Anyone who watched that episode knows that Joe was 100 percent speaking Italian. Boyfriend may be good at multiple women, but he sure as hell isn't trilingual. "That word cost me a lot of money," Joe jokes, referring to the lavish presents he had to buy Teresa to win her back.
Jacqueline's asked if Teresa and Joe put up a "front to the public about the state of their marriage." Jacqueline doesn't want to say a peep, but the Giudices egg her on. She explains that her hurtful words were a response to Teresa's blog post about her marriage. "You insinuated that my husband cheated on me two years ago," Jacqueline mumbles quietly. "But didn't he cheat on you a long time ago?" Teresa asks, genuinely dumbfounded. Jacqueline's all, "No honey, no honey," but I think she's the girl who cried fidelity.
Now that nobody believes a damn thing Teresa says, everyone -- Jacqueline included -- is free to dismiss all her comments. It's a dream scenario for anyone who ever confided in her. It's like their secrets were written on Etch-a-Sketches ... and somebody just shook the hell out of 'em.
"Who gives a crap if he cheated on you or not, really?" Juicy Joe ventures. Oooh he should have just kept his cro-mag mouth shut. "Now that we're being honest," Jacqueline says, actually rising from the couch with the momentum of her words, "He calls her those name all the time and she calls him names and they punch each other."
Teresa says it's just "play" punches and gives Jacqueline those "I'm Warning You" eyes that parents terrify kids with. You know the old saying: One couple's physical abuse is another's passionate foreplay. Andy tries to regain some semblance of control, but Jacqueline is on a roll. "You said you caught him with his secretary, the babysitter, you did tell me that." Teresa's horrified, defending Joe with every last breath. "He had someone on the desk in his office, you told me that. And the babysitter? Her too," Jacqueline cries.
Seriously Joe, you couldn't have picked something a little more original than the babysitter and secretary? Broaden your whoreizons already! There's plenty of nice postal workers and female electricians just aching to see that purple shirt all rumpled up on their floor.
Anyway ... Joe channels Taylor Swift and says he has never (like, ever) cheated on Teresa. Finally sick of being in the hot seat, he bristles at further questions and asks for a reprieve.
"Why am I here?" Joe blurts before letting out a massive belch.
And with that, the reunion part douche ends the same way it began: with a lot of hot air.