After you’ve been in a relationship for a while, some universal truths start to reveal themselves: You and your partner will argue about the number of Amazon packages arriving at your doorstep; birthday presents will go from utterly romantic to extremely practical (goodbye, jewelry; hello, garbage disposal) and a “quick” Target run will always turn into a multi-hour extravaganza.
If this all sounds familiar, chances are, you’re married. Below, we’ve rounded up 25 tweets about married life that hilariously hit the nail on the head.
ME: ugh, think i might have a cold— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 9, 2019
WIFE: oh, just gargle 1/2 tbsp of himalayan pink sea salt, take a tbsp of elderberry extract syrup, and diffuse 3 drops of lemon oil with 3 drops of cedarwood oil
ME: do you know any easier spells? i’m not a master wizard
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 16, 2019
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 16, 2019
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
her: *reading book*— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) January 5, 2019
me: have you reached the climax yet?
wife: no *turns page* your technique needs improvement
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.— Felicia (@LostFelicia) June 9, 2018
It’s almost like my husband doesn’t appreciate how good I am at pointing out plot holes in movies— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 21, 2019
“What did you get your wife for her birthday?”— eric from the future (@ericsshadow) January 20, 2019
MARRIED 1 year: card, flowers, perfume and cook her favorite dinner
MARRIED 10 years : we got a new garbage disposal in October
My husband doesn’t feel well, so I didn’t get any sleep last night.— m🍩mma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) January 19, 2019
If the power goes out across North America...don’t panic, my wife has enough candles stored away for everyone.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 20, 2019
AC just changed a text to the wife from ‘how are you?’ to ‘who are you?’ and I’ve never felt more understood.— Bacon Popsicle (@Gupton68) January 22, 2019
HUSBAND: Honey, my hiking app says I burned over 3000 calories today!— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 7, 2019
ME: *trying to stuff two mini muffins into my mouth at once* That’s nice, dear.
"I haven't had clean spoons for DAYS"— Aunt ‘Chelle 🌍 🇺🇸 🏳️🌈 (@ravenswng_) October 5, 2018
What passes for pillow talk after 27 years of marriage
Marriage is asking “where are you going?” every time one of you moves.— Mrs. Aimee (@mrsaimee78) October 15, 2018
Marriage is a lifelong commitment by both spouses to find new and inventive ways to clear their throats in the presence of the other spouse.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 20, 2019
Relationship status: Got mad at husband for blinking aggressively— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 15, 2019
The workers at Target refer to me affectionately as, "That guy that sits on the bench at the front of the store and waits for his wife."— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 17, 2019
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 20, 2019
Hi I’m a wife, you may remember me from such hits as: No, not like that. Don’t touch that. Why are you doing that? Stop that. Can you do this? Did you do that? What’s that stain? Have you seen my keys? Can you bring me some toilet paper?— Cara (@mamapojo) January 22, 2019
It has just occurred to me that the people at my husband’s work party are probably going to expect us to stay past 8:00 and I’m not sure that I can do this anymore.— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) January 12, 2019
Hiding the wife’s birthday gift behind my back— Rubsomedirtonit (@_rubdirtonit) January 13, 2019
remember when you said we were out of bread?
I just rage-ransacked the house for 30 minutes looking for onions, garlic, and chili powder.— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 20, 2019
Then my wife intervened and calmly found them in 2 minutes.
She’s my “better half” for damn good reason.
Fun fact:— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 17, 2019
When my wife is out of town, we get 100% less packages delivered
“Can you not breathe like that?” & other romantic things I say to my husband.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 9, 2019
Thinking up non-combative, creative ways to say “I told you so”— Jurisdoc (@jurisdoc741) January 7, 2019
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) January 17, 2019
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.