“Marital bliss” is an unrealistic standard for any couple, no matter how in love they are.
But if two people can laugh their way through some of the weird, annoying and occasionally maddening moments, then they’re not doing half bad.
Below, we’ve rounded up 32 tweets that hilariously capture the highs and lows of married life.
My husband just cancelled the plans we’d made for tonight without talking to me first and I’ve honestly never been more turned on in my life.— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) March 3, 2018
Me from my coffin to my husband: “Did you take out the recycling?”— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 8, 2018
i married for love— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 7, 2018
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon that should have worked but didn’t but then the guy got it to work after all.— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) February 28, 2018
Don’t tell me the spark is gone.
Me: Hey honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 14, 2018
Wife: You have legs. Get it yourself.
Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.
My wife cleaned the house all day and now we have to go live in a hotel.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 6, 2018
Relationship status: I explained every episode of a Netflix series to my wife after she said she didn’t want to watch it with me.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 4, 2018
[cleaning out our bedroom]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2018
Me: Half of this stuff is junk we don't need.
Wife: The other half is mine.
What makes marriage so different from being single is that when you need emotional support, you have someone right there to tell you to stop talking during their favorite show.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 1, 2018
[Argument at family dinner]— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) March 7, 2018
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They're too busy yelling to notice.
I don’t even know the difference between a crockpot and an instapot and they’re still letting me keep my husband and children— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 27, 2018
Always be tolerant of your wife’s flaws because if she didn’t have them, maybe she could have gotten a better husband.— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) December 19, 2017
[struggling to hold on to 17 boxes of Girl Scout cookies]— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 26, 2017
Husband: Why so many?
Me: Well, the Samoa box is for you & the rest are for me.
Being a husband is understanding that you can and will get into trouble for something you said in your wife’s dream— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 19, 2018
The best thing you can do for your marriage is sleep with separate comforters.— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) March 9, 2018
*Sees husband and wife neighbor arguing in their driveway*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 5, 2018
Husband: “We shouldn’t be watching them like this.”
Me: “You’re right.” [Goes in house and returns with popcorn and lawn chair.]
In my town husbands are legally required on Facebook to write a long mushy declaration of love to their wife on her birthday.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 24, 2018
Wife - What are you doing?— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2018
Me - Doctor said I should eat three eggs a day.
Wife - I doubt he meant Reese's Eggs.
My wife said I can’t complain about my bad back if I’m not going to do anything about it so I saw a doctor and now I can’t wait to complain.— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 3, 2018
The boys are spending the night away, so my wife and I are planning on spending our evening shooting down each other’s suggestions on what to do until we fall asleep watching “Chopped” reruns.— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) March 9, 2018
Wife and I have reached that age where foreplay is just us describing things we'd probably do to each other if we weren't so achy.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 9, 2017
Wife: *hoarsely* I'm losing my voice.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2018
Me: I guess you can't yell at me anymore.
She's scarier when she's quiet.
Before you marry someone, sit next to them on the couch and try to watch your favorite show while they eat a bowl of cereal.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 26, 2018
If you still want to marry that slurping animal, congratulations- you have found your person.
How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) December 4, 2014
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:— Rhea Butcher 🇵🇷 (@RheaButcher) April 1, 2017
My wife just shushed me while watching "Diners, Drive-ins & Dives."
Wife just said "burgs" instead of "burgers" and now I'm a little scared to think of what she's going to do with all the time she saved.— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) February 23, 2016
“How much did that cost?”— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 24, 2018
“I got a good deal on it.”
- married couples
Thank you for cleaning the kitchen, but you didn't do it right.— Mommy Thoughts (@momthoughts13) February 24, 2018
~Another love note for my husband
My wife wants to buy an organizer for our wrapping paper, it sounds made up but it’s making her happy— The Dad (@thedad) March 6, 2018
[paint store]— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 9, 2018
WIFE: Which color do you like?
ME: Either one.
WIFE: Help me decide.
ME: They’re both nice.
ME: It doesn’t matter to me.
WIFE: Pick one.
ME: Whatever makes you happy.
WIFE: There’s no wrong answer.
ME: Okay, THAT one.
WIFE: Really? That one’s awful!
I used to be happily married...but then we went furniture shopping together.— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 8, 2018
Get ready for marriage by asking your girlfriend/boyfriend to make you a fruit smoothie, then get mad that you can’t hear the TV while they’re making you a fruit smoothie.— rule follower (@ericsshadow) February 25, 2018