No two marriages are exactly alike. But as it turns out, married couples across the board do share a set of strikingly similar experiences, from overspending at Target to arguing over who’s going to take out the garbage.
Below, we’ve compiled 28 relatable tweets about married life that are funny because they’re true.
73% of marriage is pretending to share your wife’s excitement about new storage containers— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) March 22, 2018
I took the road less traveled, because my husband "knows where he's going."— Difficult Mommy (@difficultmommy) August 15, 2017
*pours 2 glasses of wine*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 20, 2018
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
what was wrong with what you had on?— kauaibride (@Kauaibride) March 14, 2018
[at my funeral]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 13, 2018
WIFE: *leans into my coffin and whispers* you forgot to take out the trash before you left
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 18, 2018
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single...— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 12, 2018
[Target]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2017
Me: We're just picking up a few things, right?
Wife: *evil cackle*
Marriage, because you need to know you were folding a bag of chips wrong your entire life.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2016
Marriage is accepting the fact that sometimes during a long hug someone will cough into your hair— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 22, 2018
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I'm not telling her.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 20, 2018
One of the biggest obstacles in my relationship is that Taco Bell does not upset my wife's stomach— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) September 10, 2017
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) October 23, 2015
I had to tell my husband he had a wild nose hair and I wondered what it must be like to never look at yourself in the mirror.— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) March 15, 2018
*brings whipped cream to bed*— Doktor J (@doktorj) November 23, 2016
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I mistakenly blamed my husband for misplacing the car keys, so I swallowed my pride and told him that I forgave him.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 21, 2018
Marriage is unending laundry and emptying the dishwasher.— Lisabug BBQJones (@Lisabug74) March 20, 2018
wife: Are you coming to bed?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 22, 2018
me [showing the dog how to use the remote] In a minute
My wife wants to replace our noisy old microwave, but I think we should wait because it hasn’t caught on fire yet.— eric (@ericsshadow) March 1, 2018
[Married Pillow Talk]— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 15, 2018
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
“Where does this go?”— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) March 4, 2018
- my husband cleaning
*at Wal-Mart*— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) February 27, 2018
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It's not us this time
*we fist bump*
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.— Joel (@joeljeffrey) March 18, 2018
I have to buy my wife flowers on the way home for pissing her off in her dream.— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 15, 2018
[bedroom]— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 15, 2018
ME: I’m gonna go get a cookie.
WIFE: [reading magazine] How would you define our relationship?
ME: You kinda treat me like a child.
WIFE: That’s ridiculous.
ME: It’s how I see it.
ME: Can I go get that cookie now?
WIFE: No, you just brushed your teeth.
A good wife will KEEP all of her husband’s embarrassing secrets except when out to dinner with say 2 or 3 couples.— Teri Daniels (@bylinetd) September 1, 2017
Giving my wife helpful little pointers on how to calm down has not had its intended effect.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 15, 2018
Marriage is making the same face at eachother at the end of a FaceTime call— Rhea Butcher 🇵🇷 (@RheaButcher) March 22, 2018