Getting married is exciting, so full of joy and anticipation. Being married, on the other hand, is slightly less thrilling and often consists of nights spent listening to your partner snore and squabbles about hard-boiled eggs.
Ah, the joys of married life! (OK, we promise it’s not all bad...)
Below, we’ve gathered 26 hilarious and relatable tweets that describe marriage to a T.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018
My husband has 2 pairs of crocs so all I’m saying is don’t rush into marriage
— NotJPo (@Peauxtassium) April 16, 2018
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn't know that's what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 8, 2018
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) April 7, 2018
Me: [boiling water]
— ᴋᴇᴠɪɴ ᴡ ᴋᴏʀᴘɪ (@kwkorpi) March 31, 2018
Wife: No, not like THAT!
me *limping*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 12, 2018
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
"dear diary, today I saw one australian shepherd and a lab and-"
— Das Skoogeth (@Skoogeth) April 22, 2018
wife: are you writing in your stupid dog log again?
"diary, the wife is still jealous that she missed seeing the aussie. he was perfect."
Me: Do it.
— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) April 8, 2017
Husband: You sure?
M: yes. It's Friday night- let's get crazy.
*he pushes "play next episode" on Netflix*
Idk if anything in life prepares you for the day your husband starts wearing a pinky ring
— OldCardigan (@MizzusT) April 22, 2018
Eventually marriage becomes two people yelling “What? Where? Huh?” at each other until one of them dies.
— Willie (@Willie1derful) April 22, 2018
[restaurant]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2018
Me: I'll pick up the check.
Wife: We have a joint bank account.
Me: You're welcome.
A lot of marriage is just saying “Oh, you’re in here” when you enter any room
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) April 10, 2018
Husband: How’s your diet going?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 18, 2018
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Wife - We have to go to Kohls today so I can spend my $5 Kohls cash before it expires.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 14, 2018
Me - I'll give you $10 if I can stay home.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) April 17, 2018
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I think my wife is starting to suspect that I don’t really know what all the cords in that box go to.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 5, 2018
My husband takes me on road trips because he loves the way I remind him to turn off his turn signal before he even finishes changing lanes.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) March 15, 2018
Wife: We can’t keep wasting money.
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) April 6, 2018
Me: I totally agree
*slowly pushes six Build-A-Bear outfits I plan on giving to our dog for being a good dog under the couch*
If you don't think one minute is a big deal try waking your wife up at 8:59 instead of 9:00 like she asked.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) April 22, 2018
“I’m going to the store. You can come if you want”
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 20, 2018
- my wife telling me I’m going to the store with her
Being married means every day is an episode of Amazing Race Couples Edition - only it's just me trying to find stuff my husband misplaced while he is behind me yelling "you threw it away didn't you?"
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 15, 2017
Newlyweds: “I love resting my head on your chest and hearing your heart beat as I drift off to sleep.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 17, 2018
Married 15 years: “I recorded you snoring so you can hear how fucking loud it is.”
How often do I have to get my oil changed? Please say it's every 27,468 miles. BTW if my husband asks, we never had this conversation.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 5, 2018
1ST YEAR OF MARRIAGE:
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 4, 2018
ME: [in honeymoon lingerie]
HIM: god damn look at you, get over here
12TH YEAR:
ME: [in honeymoon lingerie]
HIM: that behind on laundry, eh?
ME: shut it
No, what I said was “in sickness and in health.” Excessive snoring, if I’m being honest is really more of its own category.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 5, 2018
Oh you don't think it's possible to have a weird, simmering, days-long feud over hard boiled eggs? Obviously you're not married
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 17, 2018
Related
Before You Go
