Would you stay in a relationship after someone betrayed you?
Infidelity and its many forms — emotional affairs and micro-cheating come to mind — may be one of the biggest violations of trust, but it’s not the only way you can sell out someone’s love. Any betrayal can leave the other side reeling in shock.
Just ask Netflix watchers of the sequel “To All The Boys I Loved Before.” Many voiced outrage over a certain well-enbrowed teen heartthrob admitted to a long-standing lie. (Lara Jean deserved better!)
Or consider Canadians who take advantage of their partner’s wallets; financial infidelity can be as small as borrowing money without permission or as devastating as stealing their identity to open a credit card.
Watch: Majority of millennials commit financial infidelity. Story continues below.
Broken promises, constantly keeping secrets, or not supporting someone can also be seen as betrayals of agreement, Toronto-based couples therapist Margaret Hicks told HuffPost Canada. These actions can leave someone feeling hurt enough to cut ties.
While it can be tempting to break it off over any betrayal, it might be wise to ease up before you send the “we should talk” text. If we’ve learned anything from Beyoncé, it’s that couples can survive affairs and often do because of extenuating circumstances. Those who have been together for years and raise families may be more inclined to work towards resolving their issues.
If you want to repair your bond, here’s how to pick up the pieces:
Acknowledge the trauma together
Researchers have found that getting betrayed can make someone go through grief and lower their self-esteem, as well as wreak serious havoc on brain chemistry: Getting double-crossed by someone you feel safe with can release stress hormones. Psychologist George S. Everly, Jr. studied how undergoing a deep betrayal can cause traumatic symptoms, noting that the victimized report feeling depressed, paranoid, guilty, and are unable to form new relationships.
Hicks suggests the first step a couple should take after a betrayal is a damage assessment.
“It’s important for the person who betrayed to witness the extent. The level of remorse they feel is correspondent to how they can move forward as a couple,” she told HuffPost Canada. “The betrayer has to witness, hear, validate and comfort the other.”
... But don’t hold it over their head
It can be tempting to bring up that deep psychic wound every time your partner forgets to do the dishes or whenever you want to win an argument.
Hicks disagrees with this mentality, as throwing it back in their face will make resentment fester and blocks the couple from realizing the real reason one party betrayed the other. Whether it’s a mid-life crisis that led to extra-marital activities or acting out for attention, it’s impossible to figure out if the initial rage keeps both sides from communicating without judgment.
Build your self-esteem
It may seem illogical to feel guilty after getting cheated on, but this emotion was once necessary for survival. Called “rational guilt,” our prehistoric ancestors felt this way after suffering disloyalty in order to encourage remaining with one’s mate. This feeling may lead to feeling inadequate physically and sexually, as well as questioning what you lacked that made your partner hurt you.
Aside from destroying your sense of self-worth, rational guilt can cause you to lash out at the ones you love: Maybe you ignore your support network’s attempts to care for you or your partner’s betrayal becomes a secret you keep from loved ones.
If you’re looking to feel worthy again, it’s important to confront this guilt head-on. Hicks encourages her clients who have felt hurt to detach themselves from the circumstances they had no control over.
“A lot of affairs, they have nothing to do with your partner. If someone’s going to betray you, they’re going to betray you,” is a message she’s shared with them. “You can’t do anything about it.”
During this stage you should focus on reminding yourself how worthy of love and care you are.
Read: How to love yourself in six steps. Story continues after the slideshow.
How To Love Yourself In 6 Steps
Make lists to hold yourself accountable
Are you confiding in a trusted friend who’s been in the same position? Or are you dwelling on how much you’ve hurt? If you’re falling into the latter, categorizing your thought process can encourage healthy coping mechanisms.
Following a violation of trust, spirituality author Deepak Chopra advises writing two lists: One details seven healthy behaviours and the other shows seven ways you can spiral downwards. Chopra suggests checking in with these lists regularly, as healing isn’t a linear process.
“It is healing in itself to write down how you are really doing, because the key to psychological healing is self-awareness ... The key is to keep being kind to yourself,” he wrote for Oprah. “You know you are being kind when you begin to feel kind toward the one who betrayed you.”
A betrayal can cast light on other problems
Hicks say she’s surprised by how many couples have come out of betrayals with stronger communication skills. She attributes this to how a couple may choose to alter their behaviour to avoid repeating past mistakes.
“How do you handle going on a business trip? How do you handle insecurities? How do you want to be soothed?” she lists as questions couples have mulled over.
Leave if you need to
Try as you might, some bonds can’t be repaired. If the betrayal was too traumatic, if both sides aren’t receptive to working together, and you’ve already exhausted the routes of talking to a professional like Hicks, it might be time to say goodbye.
There’s a silver lining to this: The psychological benefit of getting betrayed is higher emotional intelligence, with an Oxford study suggesting women who processed getting cheated on in a healthy way entered better relationships.
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