Red and White: A Love Story

Red met White in a Keith Haring painting in 1982. They saw each other again that same year in one of the light cycles from the movie, Tron. Red was like, call me, and White was all like, I don't call, I return. So Red called, and White returned, and they have been living together, on and off, ever since.

Thing was, some people wanted to tell Red and White where they could live and where they couldn't. These people pressured them to settle down in one place, on the American Flag, with 13 children and a nice neat garden of white stars on a blue field.

Red and White released a statement that said, in effect, you know how crazy you sound when you say things like that? They stated their non-position on the matter: "We love the American Flag, and it will always mean home to us. But does Elton only live in his Dorchester flat? No! He's probably on Bimini right now, recording his next album! Does Madge confine herself to her castle in Surrey? Not bloody likely."

Nobody puts Baby in a corner, and nobody told Red and White where they could co-habitate, or what position to assume when they did. Stripes? On a flag? Obviously, a must-have for any American. "But there's more than one way for a couple of colors to boogie," says Red. "How about polka dots on shoes or swirl patterns on hot air balloons?" asks White. "And what about about Pink?" Red and White do not put limits on their relationship, and they say it's a big reason their relationship works.

Today, they pop up at fancy society events all over the world. They were just recently seen in the women's hats in Princess Eugenie's box at Ascot, and also around that same time, in the shrimp cocktail in Justin Bieber's dressing room in Montreal. They have been spotted living together in Richard Branson's shorts, Wes Anderson's pajama tops, Beyonce's jewelry, and Bill Murray's eyeballs after a night out in Berlin. Seriously, can anything surprise us any more when it comes to these two?

This isn't to say it's all been roses. They have by pricked by their share of thorns. There's been blood on the bathroom porcelain.

They broke up once in the '70s when Red partied on Mick Jagger's velvet hat and White was not invited, but then they got back together right away that same week when they met in the Stratocaster Keith played on "Sympathy for the Devil." They were actually on the cover of People Magazine that week with the Stones. Red's in the background, but they're both right there, in the People logo. Google it. Seriously.

During one of their many experimental phases, they went by the names of Vanilla and Strawberry, and lived in a ménage a trois with Chocolate (nee Brown) in Neapolitan ice cream. It was all just peachy until Strawberry got jealous of Chocolate's relationship with Vanilla. "That was bad," remembers Red/Strawberry. " I was frozen. I could not feel a thing."

"These things happen when you're in love," said White/Vanilla at the time. "Colors clash. It is what it is. Do your thing. Just give me my space to do mine."

Today, Red says, "We are both open to relationships with other colors -- well maybe not with Purple, that would be tough -- but ultimately, and no matter what, it is our love for one another that defines us."

Adds White: "What would the world be without Red and White? What would Target do for advertising? What would the Indiana University basketball team wear for warm-up pants? Who wants a beardless naked old man climbing down their chimney at Chrismas?

After a while, politicians were the only ones still were interested in telling to tell Red and White how to conduct themselves. And then even the politicians gave up when, at last, they realized how small-minded they were to think that Red and White, or any two compatible colors, for that matter, had to be laid out in any certain way, on any certain fabric. Everyone finally saw what Red and White had been trying to show us all along, which is that there is no limitation on love.

A law was passed that said, "Red and White can live howsoever they choose for as long as they can Prove their Love." And everyone signed it except for Purple, who abstained, and Oprah, who owed a favor to Purple for introducing her to Spielberg back in the day.

Red and White celebrated their newfound freedom in 2013 by attending the Academy Awards, where Red was the carpet, and White was Anne Hathaway's light.

And after that fantastic night, they lived vividly ever after.