Regrets? I've Had A Few

I've often harped on about how futile it is to have regrets. Akin to guilt, regrets are so pointless.

If you focus on feeling guilty it's a never ending spiral of negativity, much like regret. You end up berating yourself for the decisions you made, the choices you chose and the things you have done and likely you'll end up feeling guilty and then you'll end up regretting even thinking about the thing you regretted in the first place.

Are you keeping up at the back?!

I try really hard to regret nothing in my life and instead prefer to learn from my mistakes. Like I've said before, life doesn't come with a manual and we're all capable of making blunders, we're only human after all.

However, sometimes I'll think back on some of the things I've done in my 30 years on this planet and I literally want to shake myself and say "what the FUCK were you thinking?"

Some of these blunders will be menial. Like the time I decided to shave my eyebrows off aged 13. And then, in my infinite wisdom, I used mascara to try and draw some brows back on. My Mum went APESHIT.

Or the time I thought it would be a good idea to turn up to work half pissed after having zero sleep and thinking no one would notice.

Then some will be more seismic, their aftereffects being felt for a considerable amount of time. Getting into debt more than once (or twice, or even thrice) is a mistake I should have learnt from aged 19, but didn't. I repeated that same mistake more times than I'd care to admit, something I'm paying the price for now and will continue to for some years to come.

They say "Mum's are always right" and believe me she is. Even if it pains me to concur. She's watched as I've lurched from one disaster to another, always offering her opinion, an opinion I'm always reluctant to take on board. Of course, she'll never shy away from muttering those immortal words "I told you so" once she's been proven right.

I know when I'm making a mistake. That's half the problem. But, for reasons unknown to me, I'll internally rationalise it. It's like the devil/angel scenario, that bastard Devil always seems to shout the loudest.

I'll often find myself reflecting, I'll find myself regressing to a time in my life where I made a catastrophic error of judgement and I literally shake my head at myself. As if to eradicate that memory from my mind.

How you could be so fucking stupid? I'll say to myself. In what capacity did you ever think that was a good idea? I'm not just talking about debt, or inappropriate men or even the stupid things I've done when I've been pissed. I'm talking about a whole manner of actions.

But, in saying all of that, you know the things I regret the most? The things I haven't done. Or, moreover, the things I haven't said.

I've lost count of the times over the last few years where I haven't stood up for myself or something I believe in. And that really fucking bothers me. What bothers me the most is thinking that those people I should've said something to think they did nothing wrong or that they got away with the things they did with no apparent consequence. It's the injustice of it.

Sometimes, when I'm winding myself up about certain scenarios, I find myself wishing I could go back in time and say what I so desperately wanted to say. I used to be so worried about saying the wrong thing, upsetting or offending someone that it would make me feel anxious. These days I care a lot less. Confrontation doesn't worry me. I know I don't have anything to fear from standing up for myself.

Unfortunately, with a few of these instances the moment has passed. The damage has been done and if I'm really honest with myself, I'm unsure as to what good could come from me pulling up these individuals regarding their behaviour.

I'm exceptionally good at cutting people out of my life, thus that's exactly how I've dealt with the people I feel have wronged me. Of course, it's a shame if you were once close to that person but sometimes that's just the way the cookie crumbles and I neither have the time nor the inclination to allow negative people to have a contribution to my life.

Going back to the mistakes I've made; in recent months, if I've done something wrong or upset someone then I've owned it. I've accepted responsibility, explained myself and moved on, instead of perhaps shying away from it, like I know I have in the past. Having the courage of your convictions is an important strength.

I've waffled here a bit. I know that. But having been ill the last few days (I'm currently entering the 3rd day of being bed bound and it's as boring as it sounds), I've had time to think about a few things and as I've said countless times before; writing about it is sheer catharsis to me.