We're tired, we're busy, we're under pressure. It can get hard to find time and the mood for sex and intimacy in marriage and that can lead to feeling disconnected from one another. One of the questions I'm most frequently asked is What can we do to get 'the spark' back?
1. Check the emotional state of your relationship
First things first, clear the air emotionally. It's difficult to feel passionate and loving if you're holding onto resentments, anxieties or stress in the relationship. Are you talking openly, compassionately about stuff that matters to you every day? If distance is building, then you need to start talking about how you're feeling.
Never be critical or blame your partner - instead ask each other for help with things that aren't working or are bothering you and offer your help and partnership freely. Generosity, kindness, compassion and openness are sexy. Building resentment, criticism and distance only push each other away and make it harder to reconnect.
2. Make time and space for each other and for the transition to the role of lover
It's important to allow yourselves the emotional space to transition from the roles of parent, worker and all the rest, to the role of lover. That doesn't always happen naturally or easily at the end of a day when you're both exhausted - sometimes you have to consciously plan to make it happen. Discussing and planning ahead for sex and romance together can add to the anticipation and prolong excitement and pleasure.
3. Make foreplay every day play
Therapist Esther Perel suggests the perspective that we're always in foreplay with a lover when we're not actually having sex. It's a perspective that can help by reminding you to live passionately and value the connection with your partner in every moment. The energy of the sexual connection between you is acknowledged in even the smallest, simple touch or smile, never taking one another's company for granted. Fun and a sense of possibility is always alive between you.
4. Gather inspiration and resources
Sex and love are creative expressions and everyone benefits from a little inspiration in their creativity. Gather some resources and share them, making sure they also work for your partner's taste. I don't recommend visual stuff so much as sensual products that encourage massage, touching and focusing on one another in more intense ways than the everyday. You might find something like my free online retreat helpful in inspiring some pleasure and creativity.
5. Get into your own body
The best way to feel more turned on in your relationship is to feel more alive and turned on in your life in general. Get into moving your own body, enjoying your own body and indulging in pleasure and fun for you. You'll feel so much more ready and energised in connecting with your partner when you feel connected and grounded in your own being. Just BE the love that you ARE.