In order to lead a life we love, I believe we can benefit from sometimes rethinking how we look at things.
We hear it all the time, the phrase “ I am so stressed”, or “I am so busy”, but what we are really saying is “I am afraid”.
What if some kind of stress, the kind that is caused by a full schedule and everyday demands, really are less an experience of “stress” and more so an experience of “being afraid of” dressed up in more socially acceptable terms. There exists a general perception that “afraid of” is something “weak people” say they are, which is why we avoid associating the word “afraid” with our person. The problem is that framing problems by calling them “stress”, instead of what they really are (fear) is that by doing so we do not set the stage for problem solving. When somebody asks us how we are doing and we say we are “stressed” or “busy” that person typically replies with “I know, me too!” When in the company of a close friend we might even go so far as to disclose all the reasons why we are “stressed”. These kinds of topical conversations offers a bonding experience and reassures us that we are “all in the same boat” but they offer nothing in the sense of solutions. Could renaming stress open up to a new relationship with this kind of experience?
The other day when I found myself “stressed out” about writing a “great paper” for a University class. Instead of getting stuck in my experience of “stress” I asked myself “what am I afraid of”? No, like really, “what am I afraid of”? I tried answering the question over and over again and each time I answered one “why am I afraid of this?” kind of question I asked myself another “why”. My internal conversation went from “I am afraid of not handing in a great paper because if so then I do not fit in and not fitting in means I will not get a job. Not getting a job means there is no use for me in society…possibly the world”. Basically “I am afraid of not being useful and that there is…something…wrong…with…me”. Gasp! What I had created was a belief that if I do not write a great paper, it means that there is something wrong with me. Wow! What a heavy burden to place on the perceived success on one single University related paper, no wonder I was stressed! I went on to reason that if there is indeed something wrong with me then what is it? I really couldn’t come up with anything that was so far out of the ordinary that it meant I would not be able to contribute to society in a meaningful way, support myself and live a good life. I came to the realization that this general sense, expressed as “stress”, over a paper had no real solid foundation. How freeing!
This exercise had me discovering my underlying assumptions, which lacked any kind of common sense logic. It is likely so that landing a job and contributing to others is contingent upon many other factors aside from this one paper. Asking “why” I am afraid invited me to see how I had created far too broad assumptions and because they were unspoken, even unknown to me, I nor anybody else could question them. Asking “why” invited a search for the root cause of my fear; “not being good enough” was the idea needing my attention, not some general sense of “stress”. What if we started discovering what is really bothering us and what we are really afraid of? What might be possible then? Might we be able to solve our problems together, now that we know what we hold as true?
Why not try a renaming exercise? For the next 7 days do the following:
1) every time you want to say you are “stressed”, instead say you are “afraid of such and such” (at least to yourself)
2) Keep asking yourself “why” and keep going until it becomes hard to put words on your thoughts. It means you are close to finding out what is really bothering you.
3) Acknowledge where you ended up. Write it down or share it with a friend. Did you discover something unexpected?
I hope this renaming exercise can be as illuminating, entertaining and useful to you as it was to me.