Just in case South Carolina didn't already have enough to be embarrassed about, given the now-notorious proclivities of its hiker-in-chief governor, Mark Sanford, Republican Congressman Joe Wilson managed the unthinkable overnight. In heckling President Barack Obama, he not only ensured that a country that had pretty much never heard of him knew him as a hectoring lunatic better suited for the peanut galleries of health-care-reform town halls than the august body of the Congress, but he also inspired hundreds to donate to the campaign of the man opposing him for his seat next year (someone even more obscure than Wilson, so much so that those contributing probably couldn't pick him out of a police lineup).
But what if Wilson was like Forrest Gump? (I mean, like Forrest Gump in his preternatural ability to be present at great historical moments, not in his ability at being a functional moron -- he's already got that one down cold.) I imagine - (turning back to audience) - it'd go - (scrunching up hair so that it looks like a really bad combover) - a little something like this:
Jesus of Nazareth: Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Joe Wilson: You lie! You lie!
Demosthenes, Statesman of Athens: It would be better to die ten thousand deaths, than to do anything out of servility towards Philip.
Joe Wilson: You lie! You lie!
George Washington: I consider it an indispensable duty to close this last solemn act of my Official life, by commending the Interests of our dearest Country to the protection of Almighty God, and those who have the superintendence of them, to his holy keeping.
Joe Wilson: You lie! You lie!
Abraham Lincoln: We cannot dedicate - we cannot consecrate - we cannot hallow - this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.
Joe Wilson: You lie! You lie!
Teddy Roosevelt: People who say that they have not time to attend to politics are simply saying that they are unfit to live in a free community.
Joe Wilson: You lie! You lie!
John F. Kennedy: Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country.
Joe Wilson: You lie! You lie!
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.
Joe Wilson: You lie! You lie!
George W. Bush: Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
Joe Wilson: You tell it, brother!