The upscale gym Equinox is under investigation for criminally hazing New York City men with ideal bone structure, numerals after their names, Visa Black cards, and crippling insecurity.
The investigation comes after a slew of arrests for crimes including indecent exposure*, wildlife theft and consumption**, public intoxication***, and noise violation****.
According to the official report, the crimes were pledging rituals of Sigma Alpha Equinox. The elite males accused of committing these hazing crimes have stated on the record, "Equinox made me do it."
Sigma Alpha Equinox is a well-known "secret society" dedicated to physical perfection, wealth, and exclusivity. The men initiated to SAEquix, known as "Equinoxers", range from 22 to 38 years old and tend to hold prominent positions at financial institutions or are "independently wealthy." A large percent rowed crew or played "LAX" in college.
"The Nox Castle" has notoriously become a place for Equinoxers to work on their crew physique while sharing insider tips, fraternizing with models, and shaking hands with other NYC dignitaries.
Last week, 26-year-old Merrill Lynch Financial Adviser Robert Darling was the first and only Equinoxer pledge to voluntarily come forward with his horrendous hazing story.
"Twelve males, including myself, were kidnapped in the night, taken and dropped off somewhere in South Hampton, and forced to run back to the city - completely nude, without cell phones, money, or identification. But there was EDM music."
When asked who or what made the men do this, Darling said, "Equinox made me do it."
Darling was only willing to cooperate with authorities after losing a testicle to the bitter October air somewhere between South Hampton and Hampton Bays.
Joseph Noble III, a 29-year-old human rights lawyer, stated, "Equinox made me do it," after he was formally charged with conspiracy to purchase several pounds of pure cocaine. On the eve of The Hunt, Noble approached authorities in the "unfamiliar" Lower East Side asking for directions to the closest Chase bank ATM, as his "drug dealer doesn't Venmo."
Mason Flisker, a 28-year-old dating app entrepreneur, was arrested for solicitation. Upon questioning, he confessed to authorities that the swanky gym ordered high-priced escorts to The W Hotel. Flisker had to pay for the women, the hotel room, the minibar fees, and the nitric oxide. Flisker claims he contracted gonorrhea that night.
"I had three Ambien and a strawberry Frat-Fro (a strawberry daiquiri)," Flisker said. "But mostly, Equinox made me do it."
Flisker is STD-free after a course of antibiotics, but the emotional damage still lingers. "Other men are not brave enough to step forward," he said. "Probably because they don't want their fiancées and mistresses to find out."
Equinox had not commented on any of these accusations by press time.
"These men believe they are paying for exclusivity, but they are really paying for depravity," said 25-year-old YMCA personal trainer Glenn Rice. "It's a high price for stupidity."
Shockingly, the Nox's hard knocks have actually boosted membership, with coverage of the attractive, high-status clientele working to promote the health club's posh stigma.
Membership is at an all time high as NYC's wealthy Millennial males have an appetite for kale juice and enjoy committing what authorities refer to as "trust fund crimes," illegal acts only people with an unlimited supply of money can do.
"This is America," Darling said. "If I want to lift in a Lululemon tank, cardio with models, steam with bros, shower with Kiehl's products, and cool down with eucalyptus towels, that's my God-given right."
"It's a high price for a gym, but I look at it more as a Social Club," said Noble, who's never worked out at another NYC gym. "Equinox isn't fitness. It's life."
In related news, New York Sports Club is now providing members' with complimentary coffee and Otis Spunkmeyer cookies every third Tuesday of the month.
*4 a.m., Oct. 1:
12 men arrested for public nudity during an "elephant walk" in Washington Square Park.
**2 p.m., Oct. 5:
5 men arrested for stealing and consuming raw goldfish from the Central Park lake.
***11 p.m., Oct. 7:
6 men arrested for public intoxication after openly buttchugging Bud Light Lime while singing Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" outside the Ainsworth in Chelsea.
****10 a.m., Oct 9:
4 men arrested for a noise violation after disturbing neighbors by repeatedly playing Duck Sauce's "Barbra Streisand" for 24 hours while doing bows and toes in a Financial District luxury apartment.