Republican Pre-Debate Excuses for Why The Fox Business Network Debate Was a Fiasco

- Candidates repeatedly got lost in Maria Bartiromo's eyes

- You know--the media. Am I right? Huh? Who's with me?

- Unfair questions pertaining to business, economy, jobs, taxes, trade, Wall Street, median wages, oil prices, retail sales, Social Security

- Distracted by Cindy Brady being distracted by red light

- Didn't realize they would be talking specifically about the American economy

- Cookies and milk promised, no cookies and milk provided

- Podiums built by biased, liberal bastard carpenters at half an inch below stipulated height specifications, causing vertigo, headaches, nose bleeds, rambling and incoherent answers

- Unfair questions containing words with vowels in them

- Ben Carson deliberately given less air time after unsuccessful attempt to stab Wall Street Journal editor-in-chief Gerard Baker

- No substantive discussions about Kirk vs. Picard

- During commercial/bathroom breaks, toilet paper in stalls was folded incorrectly in "under" fashion

- Random cutaways from Rand Paul to grasscloth wallpaper

- Weren't aware that the presence of television cameras meant the debate was actually going to be televised

- Candidates still haunted by traumatic flashbacks from previous debates

- Unseen by viewing audience, Neil Cavuto kept threatening to drown a basket of kittens

- Opportunity to bet all money on the "Daily Double" never occurred

- Did we mention the media?