Washington DC: Goodyear Satire Co.--
The law of gravity is set for an extensive makeover after the inauguration of Donald Trump on January 20, 2017.
"From that day forward," Trump promises. "Whatever goes up is not automatically going to come down."
Trump made the repeal and replacement of the Law of Gravity a major campaign theme. Indeed, the Republican House voted to repeal the Law of Gravity 63 times in the last year of Barack Obama's presidency. The GOP plan is to privatize gravity and give tax credits to those who wish to fall, so they can afford the cost. Those plans are still up in the air.
Democrats warn that repealing gravity will lead to 20 million Americans "just floating away," but Republicans are adamant. "I'm not a scientist, so I don't even know whether gravity exists," said Republican House speaker Paul Ryan. "I've never seen gravity, have you?" he said, triumphantly.
Gravity was discovered in 1665 when Sir Isaac Newton wondered why apples fell to the ground rather than falling to the sky.
Repealing the Law of Gravity has been a goal of Republicans since the First Great Awakening in 1739. That era of spiritual revival was the genesis of the now-fashionable "belief" laws, where you don't have to obey a law unless you believe its morally correct. That's how many Republicans feel about gravity, "Obamacare" and so-called "facts."
"Gravity is not something I believe in," maintains the President-Elect, "If there was gravity, how could Trump Airlines have been able to fly?" he asked.
Newton's Apple Tree
"We've gone along with gravity, but we never believed in it," explained Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, sporting a sleek new look for the Trump presidency with his skinny turtle-body encased in a new, lightweight titanium outer shell.
Ryan hopes to adopt a "repeal first, replace after I'm re-elected-in-2018 plan." He says, "That will give us time to negotiate a replacement and get out of Dodge before anybody realizes what we've done.
"After we finish with gravity," Ryan promises, "We're going to repeal the law of unintended consequences. I hope nothing goes wrong," he said as he rose and rose slowly out of sight, the victim of his own hot air.
Physicist Stephen Hawking in Zero Gravity
Photo credit: Physicist Stephen Hawking in Zero Gravity By Jim Campbell/Aero-News Network via Wikimedia Commons
Weightless Hair By NASA via Wikimedia Commons
Isaac Newton's Apple Tree (or a descendant) outside Trinity College By Hans Wolff via Wikimedia Commons
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.