Republicans Anxious To Repeal and Replace Law of Gravity

Washington DC: Goodyear Satire Co.--

The law of gravity is set for an extensive makeover after the inauguration of Donald Trump on January 20, 2017.

"From that day forward," Trump promises. "Whatever goes up is not automatically going to come down."

Trump made the repeal and replacement of the Law of Gravity a major campaign theme. Indeed, the Republican House voted to repeal the Law of Gravity 63 times in the last year of Barack Obama's presidency. The GOP plan is to privatize gravity and give tax credits to those who wish to fall, so they can afford the cost. Those plans are still up in the air.

Democrats warn that repealing gravity will lead to 20 million Americans "just floating away," but Republicans are adamant. "I'm not a scientist, so I don't even know whether gravity exists," said Republican House speaker Paul Ryan. "I've never seen gravity, have you?" he said, triumphantly.

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The gravity-defying hair of Astronaut Marsha Ivins

Gravity was discovered in 1665 when Sir Isaac Newton wondered why apples fell to the ground rather than falling to the sky.

Repealing the Law of Gravity has been a goal of Republicans since the First Great Awakening in 1739. That era of spiritual revival was the genesis of the now-fashionable "belief" laws, where you don't have to obey a law unless you believe its morally correct. That's how many Republicans feel about gravity, "Obamacare" and so-called "facts."

"Gravity is not something I believe in," maintains the President-Elect, "If there was gravity, how could Trump Airlines have been able to fly?" he asked.

2016-12-11-1481445912-2171892-Supposedly_Isaac_Newtons_apple_tree.jpg Newton's Apple Tree

"We've gone along with gravity, but we never believed in it," explained Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, sporting a sleek new look for the Trump presidency with his skinny turtle-body encased in a new, lightweight titanium outer shell.

Ryan hopes to adopt a "repeal first, replace after I'm re-elected-in-2018 plan." He says, "That will give us time to negotiate a replacement and get out of Dodge before anybody realizes what we've done.

"After we finish with gravity," Ryan promises, "We're going to repeal the law of unintended consequences. I hope nothing goes wrong," he said as he rose and rose slowly out of sight, the victim of his own hot air.

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Physicist Stephen Hawking in Zero Gravity

Photo credit: Physicist Stephen Hawking in Zero Gravity By Jim Campbell/Aero-News Network via Wikimedia Commons

Weightless Hair By NASA via Wikimedia Commons

Isaac Newton's Apple Tree (or a descendant) outside Trinity College By Hans Wolff via Wikimedia Commons