Republicans Demand Equal Access to Schoolchildren

Amid the uproar over President Obama's grand scheme to use subliminal brainwashing to mesmerize and indoctrinate America's schoolchildren into his cult of personality, Republicans today demanded equal access to young minds so they could counterbalance the president's dangerous message.

The RNC gained an advance copy of President Obama's speech, in which he will urge students to work hard at school, do their homework, stay in school through graduation, and set goals for their work and their lives.

"We can't allow him to advance this insidious, socialist agenda," said a Republican House Member from Minnesota speaking to this reporter through thick glass and a peep hole from her asylum. She asked to remain nameless and added that House Minority Leader John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell are wrapped in an epic battle to be the messenger.

"We Republicans will make our stand in opposition to this Kenyan-born/illegal-alien/Manchurian-Candidate and save America's most precious resource," said the representative, holding her slit wrists together.

"The Republican message, of course, is to tell kids to not work hard, don't do your homework, don't stay in school, and don't set goals.

"Only then can we expect a new generation of Republican voters."