I sit here writing this post right on the eve of my second semester of my Sophomore year at the University of Michigan slightly perplexed as to how I'm going to balance all of my responsibilities, 18 credits, two jobs, and involvement in 3 extracurricular clubs, without losing my sense of self. With 2016 just beginning, I've decided to let go of my dislike of new year's resolutions and set one that is very necessary: to be selfish.
That's right. You read it correctly. I've promised to be selfish. Just writing that makes me cringe a little bit, but I know it's necessary. What do I mean to be selfish? Self-care is now my top priority.
I entered first semester with high hopes and excitement. I thought I was going to love all of my classes, all of my jobs, and all of my clubs. I did, for the most part. But, I am a person; not a robot. While the first month I found myself impressed with my time management skills, by October, I felt myself hit a wall and everything snowballing out of control. I stopped working out, taking care of my health, and making time to keep up with my two best friends who were at different colleges on life journeys of their own.
Sitting in large class lectures that didn't require participation turned into grant writing sessions on my laptop, time that should've been designated to eating one of my 3 meals turned into frantic "catch-up" hours and my meals were replaced with two ten minute stops to the dining hall to pick up food on the go, etc. All nighters which I had never pulled before became regular, coffee which I despise became my lifeline, and exhaustion became my every hour.
Denial is an interesting thing. I kept telling myself that I was in control. Friends were always asking me different variations of "How do you do it?" (The answer: frantic multi-tasking) or saying things like "I could never balance everything like you do" (The balance: a dangerous mirage). I had spread myself too thin and was physically/mentally paying the price.
Winter break these last two weeks was the pause button I needed to reflect on and reevaluate so many things. While a majority of it was spent catching up on missed sleep and family time, I realized that it is extremely important to do what is necessary to be happy and successful in my commitments to myself and others.
I love my classes, my job, and my friends. But, while loving those things, I also need to love myself and do what is needed to take care of me. Here are just five ways I'm going to be more selfish this year:
1) I will color. I have the tendency to overthink and panic silently. A trend I've seen all over the internet is "adult coloring books" that consist of beautifully intricate designs. To help myself unwind on stressful days and slow down time for a while, I will color.
2)I will focus on health. The summer of 2015 was when I finally buckled down and became dedicated to my fitness and health. I began doing Kayla Itsines' BBG and became addicted to the rush of endorphins and energy I felt on a regular basis. This semester, I will find that love I developed for fitness and cleaner eating. I will focus on health.
3) I will make time to study in quiet productive environments alone (mostly). This one is self-explanatory. Like many people, I cannot study in noisy and rambunctious environments. Distractions are everywhere, but this semester, I will seek out quiet and relatively unknown parts of campus where I will disappear for glorious hours of productivity.
4) I will continuing loving my job. . I am fortunate enough to work with a group of highly understanding and creative individuals with a knack for social media. I love everything about the work that I do and will continue making smart choices in managing the balance between work and my school life.
5) I will learn to say "No" and not feel guilty for it. It's easy for me to get excited about something and end up biting more than I can chew. Second semester will be the time for evaluating my commitments, reflecting its potential impacts on my well-being, and saying "No" if my gut tells me it's not a good idea.
2016 is a year I've decided to dedicate to me: my hopes, my wishes, my dreams. It's impossible to feel successful if you're unhappy or exhausted. I will stop the vicious cycle that was my first semester, and take the lessons I've learned to prioritize self-care and my happiness.
How's that for positive, affirmative language?
As I've reached the end of this blog post, I've found myself asking the question, is there really anything selfish about self-care being my top priority?