On May 24th of this year I wrote a piece for the Huffington Post called, "Why the Sex in Our Marriage Disappeared." It described an eight year marriage with little to no sex and the events leading up to that sorry state. I had 485 comments on the article in the Huffington Post and another fifty that came to my website, www.sharynwolf.com. Most were in support of my story and very empathic, although a substantial number of people said, "you stole the best years of his life" and "I'm sick and tired of the man being blamed..."
I would say about half the responses to the article were from other people caught in sexless marriages. There were an infinite number of reasons that they gave; one partner had been caught cheating. The wife went through menopause and the husband says she lost desire. Fighting kept them in separate beds. An illness made sex difficult. And, sometimes there was no discernable reason. The sex just died. And, each person who wrote me said that no one but they knew what was really going on behind closed doors. These couples appear to be happy and their lack of sex is a total secret to the world. Many said they could not believe that the whole world saw them as well adjusted couples when they were anything but. Some couples were miserable in this status, while a decent number had become numb to it long ago and took it for granted. Some even said they had good marriages and that sex was a very small part of what makes a good marriage--companionship was much more important to them.
For the people who do not know why the sex died--for whom there is no understandable reason for the change, I would first recommend that both partners get a full physical. There are all kinds of medical reasons, not to mention a number of medications that tamper with desire. If that's not the case then I would name anger as the probable cause. When we are angry we withhold sex as a way of withholding closeness and as a means of punishing our partner. I know I was angry, and I bet you can find your own anger without having to look too deeply.
A number of people also commented that I did not confront my fiancé (who would later become my husband) about cheating on me when it happened. Well, you can't fit everything into an article like I did in my book, "Love Shrinks," but I shouldn't have omitted that. I definitely did confront him in completely useless ways. I cried, I raved and I ranted. None of that was helpful, although all of it was understandable. I was distraught. We did make one appointment with a couples therapist who turned out not to be a very good one.
"He cheated on me when he was in Japan," I said mournfully.
"Can you live with that?" was her reply.
"He made 1-900 phone calls behind my back," I added.
"Can you live with that?" was all she said.
My anger shifted from him to her, which was not a good thing. Hating her took my mind off how angry I was with him. Instead of letting him off the hook temporarily, I should have searched for a better therapist.
Many people asked why I married him anyway--after he had done these things. I am not sure I can make anyone understand because most of my reasons are bad ones. I had moved all my belongings from Boston to New York to be with him, giving up my apartment and my life. I was too ashamed to tell anyone what had happened so I kept silent. Mostly, in spite of what happened, I still loved him in some neurotic way.
I was not a psychotherapist at the time. I was a singer. I didn't have the insight to know better, and I was already damaged from my earlier life so I had little common sense at that time. I fully admit my part in this. I should have known that the lack of sex was very important and the fact that I couldn't get myself to have sex was a serious symptom of something very wrong with the relationship. But, I was in denial. You are right. I should not have gotten married. In fact, I went to social work school to heal myself. I thought by learning to help others, some of it might rub off on me, and I'd learn why my decisions and behavior were so damaging. That was a long time ago--twenty years, and it seems a lifetime. All of this did not happen last week.
As to why he stayed with me, only he can answer. I think he stayed with me because he loved me too, and I believe many of the respondents to my article are wrong in thinking that he cheated on me beyond a little porn. I have the feeling that he suffered in silence as did I. In fact, while some couples are joined to honor and obey, I think we were joined to suffer. We'd grown up suffering and it was what we were used to. I don't think, at that point in our lives, we knew any other way to be together.
Sharyn Wolf is the author of Love Shrinks: A Memoir Of A Marriage Counselor's Divorce