Ricky Gervais isn't hosting the Oscars, but after reading this, there's a case to be made on his behalf.
If you enjoyed his Golden Globes blast-fest, you'll absolutely love this.
James Franco and Anne Hathaway are taking lead for Sunday's ceremony, and have promised that theirs won't be an insult fest like Gervais's Globes performance. But if they decide to change their minds, Gervais has written an opening script that hits out at Hollywood entitlement -- and criticism he's taken since the show.
Here's a sampling:
JF
You probably know me from "127 Hours" where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this f**king ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.AH
And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.
Of course, he doesn't just hit out at the hosts and the proposition of a safe telecast. He does that while hitting out at the actors themselves.
AH
But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London...(Nervous laughter)
He's doing some charity work.
Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer.
He's telling them what bald little losers they are...JF
Yeah, cos he's rude right?(Applause)
Thank you.
No rudeness tonight.
It's going to be a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.
And it only gets spicier from there. To read it all, click over to Gervais's blog.