Romney Has Nothing to Worry About: It's All About the Hair

There's absolutely no reason Mitt Romney should worry about Rick Perry's possible entry into the snake oil circuit that is the Republican presidential primary season.

If you're like me, and I bet you are, nothing says "presidential" like a nice head of hair and, sez me, Mitt Romney has much better hair than Rick Perry. Yes, the Lone Starvernator has an impressive coiffure, if you want a president who looks like George Stephanopoulos and John Stossel collaborated on a wig. Pfft, Rick Perry. No contest. For my money, Romney is the best coiffed aspirant in presidential campaign history, bar none.

My wife is wont to remind me frequently of John Edwards, he of the pricy locks and pricier gaffs, but Edwards couldn't carry Romney's pomade. Ditto Michael Dukakis, whose hirsute pursuit of the White House foundered despite a truly impressive mop, ushering America into the bleak late-80s with their uninspired and uninspiring top-dos. Those were bad times. (Gotcha.)

I know what you're about to say, "Wait Tony, what about Michelle Bachmann?" What about her? I've seen better hairstyles on David Bowie. Hey Michelle, I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada in New Hampshire, and her hair was a helmet.

Mitt Romney is to hair as Cyndi Crawford is to moles. Mitt Romney's hair could round-house kick Chuck Norris in the face. Mitt Romney could settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with his part. Matthew McConaughey's chest wishes it was Mitt Romney's comb.

Maybe you're one of those curmudgeonly anachronisms who think a president should be chosen on the basis of substance, not style and if so look no further than Mitt Romney, whose style has so much substance that scientists have searched his hair for the Higgs boson.

Mitt Romney is a lock-down cinch to win the Republican presidential nomination and if he's serious about beating Romney in 2012, Barack Obama had better get himself a better stylist.

Leastwise, that's how I see it.