Please allow me to introduce myself, as the song goes. You can call me Lucifer, Satan, Beelzebub -- whatever. I've got a proposition for you.
No, I don't want your soul. What would I do with another soul? You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting one of the eternally damned. I want to become a US citizen. (Contrary to Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as estimable as these gentlemen are, I am currently not an American.)
To borrow a phrase from Thomas Friedman, Hell is "hot, flat, and crowded." Especially crowded. Due to the recent financial crisis, there's been a major influx of hedge fund managers, risk analysts, and free market economists.
And there are no career opportunities. Boiling in oil, jabbing with pitchforks, roasting some fat broker on a spit -- where's the job satisfaction in that? Plus, having to listen to the wailing of the tormented souls day and endless night. I empathize with Steven Slater, the self-described "Bag Nazi" and folk hero. Of course, I would have broken into the cockpit, seized the controls, and flown the plane into an orphanage, but that's just me.
This is where you come in. Or at least your missus. If Rosemary has my hellspawn on US soil, then it automatically, under the terms of the Fourteenth Amendment, becomes a US citizen, cloven hoofs and all. And, somehow, I can parlay that into citizenship for myself; I'm in the details. In exchange, I'm willing to offer the usual wealth, power, and fame -- maybe your own reality TV show (The Real Housewives of Satan? The Jersey Styx Shore?). Roman Polanski can direct, now that he's a free man. I'll even throw in a swank apartment in the Dakota and Ruth Gordon as a helpful neighbor. She's been dead for years but still a swell ol' gal.
(Apropos of nothingness, did you see how Mia Farrow snitched on her old BFF Naomi Campbell at Charles Taylor's war crimes trial? No wonder Woody Allen dumped that harpy -- Mia, I mean, not Naomi. Woody and Naomi would make a fun power couple.)
Yes, yes, I know, certain politicians like Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and Lindsey Graham want to "review" the Fourteenth Amendment, even though it's been settled law for more than a century. I've got long dossiers on all of them. Let's just say there's room reserved for them right next to the hedge fund managers, risk analysts, and free market economists. (By the way, there's no truth to the rumor that Obama is the Anti-Christ. That's just crazy talk. I've never even been to Kenya.)
This is known as stirring up the base. McConnell and Co. have no intention of repealing the Fourteenth Amendment; they just want to motivate the xenophobes who more and more comprise the Republican Party to go to the polls in November. But there may be me to pay: talk like this alienates Hispanic voters, who are the fastest growing demographic in the United States. (They call me "el diablo" and "the horned one." Isn't that cute?) If this keeps up, the GOP may see their dreams of retaking the House and Senate go up in brimstone.
I know you and your wife have plenty to discuss. But don't think too long -- there are a lot of other wombs for rent. And none of that turkey baster stuff -- this isn't The Kids Are Alright. After all these millenniums, there are some things I still prefer to do myself.
Meanwhile, just think about it: my kid could grow up to be President of the United States. Hey, it could happen -- didn't you see any of those Omen movies?